What makes you cry? Do that!

Hello awesome readers. You may be few and far between, but I still love you very very much. I have been doing some dungeon digging as of late, dissolving my fearful thoughts and what not, and I have come to a few important conclusions I wish to share with you. Just in case you are un-familiar with Martha Beck-isms, here is a short break down (wikka wikka wok!). Her theory is that we create little "dungeons" for ourselves, in our minds, by believing painful thoughts that are not true. Most of these pesky little buggers come in the form of "I can't" phrases, or "I have to" phrases, or the oh so popular "yeah buuuuuuut." By believing that we are trapped by something, we create that trappings and it becomes our reality. Her way of getting outta there is to "Dissolve" your thoughts and then replace them with new freeing ones. So, you may have a dungeon thought like " Even though I would much rather practice playing my tuba, I HAVE to mow the lawn for Francis, otherwise he will HATE me, FOREVER!" In order to dissolve this trapping thought, you have to dissolve it, by re-examining what is true. You do not HAVE to do anything, you are totally in control of your life, and you can choose to do whatever you want. You do not know what Francis reaction to your lawn neglect will be, but you can trust that you are completely capable of handling which ever form the reaction comes in. So there, you are now in a total position of power, to make a choice and be free. In my personal head, I have come to realize that a good 98.75% of my thoughts were crazy dungeon ones. Most of them center around my NEVER amounting to anything, and how much of a FAILURE I am. But when I look at these oh so scary thoughts, I realize, they are just thoughts. And they are just fears. They are not actually happening. I am still rolling along in life, I am writing and taking class, and nannying and shopping and working out blah blah blah. Also, I have no idea where any of what I am doing is going to lead me. I have no idea. It would not generally be a calming idea to not know where one is going, but for me right now, it is. It takes me out of the drivers seat. It puts me in a position of faith, that everything in my life has a purpose and is all going to work together some how. But it is not my responsibility to make that happen. Life will do that for me. God's got it. HORRAY! But I do not believe that leaves me completely off the hook, to just take long baths and paint my nails. I still have some work to do. I believe where my blood sweat and tears come into play, is in the discovering my deep inner self, and letting her out. I have had a solid 15 years of being told that my intuition is wrong. Of being told that what I feel and what I think and what I do is fundamentally incorrect on some level or another. I really have questioned my sanity on many, many occasions. But now I am learning. I am learning that my judgement is generally right on the money. I am learning that I do have some spiritual gifting that put me at odds with people who just want everything to look nice and pretty. I have learned that I do have a bit of a confronting personality, and people don't really like that. But it is OK. I am who I am. I am allowed to be who I am. I am not bad! In fact, I am good! And this leads me to my point. If I am good, that would mean that the way I naturally am, is good. (Yes, I know, slightly redundant, and no I was not trying to undermine your intelligence, give me a minute.) And if the way I naturally am is good, than the things I naturally gravitate towards, are also, yes, you guessed it, good! The only problem with that is, I have lost touch with a good chunk of my natural self through years of believing it was bad and wrong, and needed to be stifled. So, now as I dungeon dig and thought dissolve, I am getting closer and closer to the real me that lives somewhere in my stomach(visualization is key, people.) And as I un-earth her, I am learning all these things that I knew as a child, but just forgot for a little bit. I am learning that to be self conscious is a learned behaviour given to me by social conditioning, but the real me doesn't care so much what people think if her, as long as she is living out her truth. I am learning that we are all different and think different and look different but we can all be right at the same time. I am learning that I love to perform and to communicate with an audience. All my fears about what people think about me were just that- silly learned fear thoughts. They are not true. Getting all the junk out of the way is a considerable task at times, but it is worth it. The reason it is worth it is because it will yield to you your Core, and your Core knows exactly why you are here. I believe that we all have a destiny, and the things that happen to us in our lives are all lessons set up to get us to where we are going. And when you are connected to your Core, I believe you are guided by what you love, and what you love is guiding you to your destiny. I read on another blog that the way to discover your destiny is to write down at the top of a sheet of paper, "what is my destiny?" And then to just write and write answers that come to your mind, until you get to the one that makes you cry. And that folks is your answer. This has happened to me on many occasions when I engage in the thing I think is my destiny. I will be walking along, and then BAM-crying. This confused me in the past, when I was so disconnected from myself I didn't even feel the tears coming. But now I know. And I believe that we all know. We just need to dig ourselves out of our little thought dungeons and give our Cores the chance to cry. And then we can do what we are here to do. And that is when all other little problems seem small.

NEW NEWS!

OK everyone, I have created the e.d take down web site! Come and chat and get support. Tell your story, and get advice. Also, I am a certified holistic nutritionist, so if any one would like some help with their eating, contact me on my new website, OK? Love you all.

www.edtakedown.ning.com.

Funny connection.

I have a feeling that my brain really does function in a way that is plausibly UN-interpretable by the more normal masses, but this is just something that you, my lovely readers, will just have to cope with. I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and he was telling my about his recent experience with an over-the-counter legal hallucinogenic drug. The effects of the drug are a 1-5 minute hallucination followed by a few hours of feeling 'high'. He was telling me that when you hallucinate under the influence of this drug, you can remember what you saw after the fact. I was interested in this. I wondered if the hallucination experience was just another way of the subconscious exerting itself, as is the case with dreaming. When your nervous system is relaxed (IE. during sleep, under the influence of drugs) the subconscious inevitably comes into focus, and into the forefront. My friends hallucination did, once analyzed and deciphered, coincide with feelings that he admittedly, was trying not to feel. And we all have these types of feelings. Things we have gone through that we are not ready to deal with. We stuff down our fears, angers, anxieties, desires, but what we do not realize is that in doing so, they still effect us. We would like to think that when we put them on the back shelf of our conscience, that they are no longer active. I have learned however, that this is an entirely false assumption. I believe that the more we try to stuff something down, the more we struggle not to look at it, the more it manifests itself in our lives. I believe that my anorexia was 100% my coping mechanism for avoiding thoughts and feelings that I deemed UN-desirable. And thus my stuffing down, totally dictated my choices and behaviours. So instead of putting me in a place of complete control, which was the intended goal, it put me in a place of utter lack of control. I was a slave to my compulsions, because they were the only thing that were keeping me safe from the feelings! So in coming back to the hallucinations, my friend hallucinated about what he was really feeling deep down, and all his fear and insecurities came to the surface. He felt afraid and lonely, but had no real concrete reason as to why. The hallucination brought them up, but in the form of a metaphor, which really served only to cause greater confusion, and a surfacing of the undesired feelings, without any instruction on how to deal with them effectively. I believe that the same thing happens to us when we meditate. Meditation brings us to a place of calm. When we calm our nervous system, our subconscious has a chance to be heard. However, when we are not in a conscious altering state, most of the time our feelings will come up and out as they really are. And when you are meditating and connecting with your deepest self, you will also be connected to the peaceful part of you that knows how to handle the negative feelings. I believe that we all have the divine within us, and I believe that we are all being lead and guided towards are most wonderful life by this divine. I think that our fears and 'real life' just scream to loud for most of us to hear that inner wisdom. Effectively, we are all being controlled, in one way or another, by our UN-dealt with emotions. We all act out in a way to avoid pain, and in this we are not totally free. I believe that by calming ourselves and not being afraid to face the things we have tucked away in our minds, we will see new life. We will become aware of why we do the things that we do compulsively. We will become aware of how we really feel about the people and situations in our lives. And we will connect with the divine, and we will move forward. The only way out of a problem is to deal with it. Avoidance will cause its own problems. I think eating disorders are all caused by to many feelings and emotions being not acknowledged. This causes a chain reaction of self mutilation and deprivation, leading to compulsion to starve or throw up, or binge, as a way of not feeling. We need to feel what we feel. We need to deal with what we feel. I have found that I need to trust that I am safe, that I am cared for, and that I can handle all the things in my life. I know that it is all going to be OK. But I only know this because I connect with the divine peace within me. We are all capeable. If you are haveing truble with coplulsitory behaviour, mediate, or if it is to scary to do it alone, talk with someone. Express yourself in a place where you feel safe. I am open to anyone who wants to e-mail me or post here. You do not have to do this alone, and dealing with your inner thoughts and fears will bring you freedom, I garuntee it. Don't stuff yourself down. Let you be, and you will be free. Mediation is so much better than hallucinatory drugs.

Mums advice

My mom is definitely one of the most inspiring people that I know. Now of course, I am not going to go into airing any of her 'dirty laundry' so to speak, she can tell her story if she wants too. But I will tell you that she is the strongest most supportive person on the face of the planet. When I was at my sickest, she didn't let me go. She did all that she could, and then a little bit more, to fight the thing inside of me that was causing my slow death. My mother literally saved my life. She is also the type of person who walks her talk, and she has done so much work on herself, and been the catalyst for so much of her own self growth. She does not just sit back and let what has happened to her completely affect her way of life in the presant. She is brave and she tackles all of her own issues. Her courage to face her demons gave me the courage to face mine. And as I have been reflecting on how goddess like my mother is, I have thought of several bits of wisdom she has given me. And I want to share them with you. 1. She taught me how important it is to just sit with your agitation/stress/anxiety. She told me to just take it in my mind, find a quiet space and don't try to fix it, just sit with it. This always works to bring a level of peace, even if it does not help you to eradicate the source completely. 2. Journal your feelings, just getting them out of your head and onto paper will immediate bring them into a perspective that is close to reality. Talking about them is the next step 3. face your fear. The greatest gifts are always hidden behind the most fear. Fear should never be the reason you do not pursue a dream. 4. Focus on the life you want, do not dwell on the things that make the one you have now not what you want. My mom told me once, when I was freaking out about my weight, that even if I stayed at the horrifically high (in my opinion at the time) weight, I could still fully live my dream. My weight has no effect on how I live my dreams, unless I give it the power. Shifting my focus from the one thing that I couldn't really change at the time (my weight) to my goals in life, and how I was going to go about achieving them, put everything into perspective. My body is going to do what it is going to do. I will of course eat well, work out and do my best to take care of it, but I cannot control what it does. I can control how many of my dreams I shoot for, and how full of passion my life is. I can focus on getting to know myself deeply and fully, and expressing that with all I have. This is what is important. She taught me to pursue the life of my dreams, not the weight of my dreams. To expand my focus, and not give my fears of weight so much influence. I am free to live my life at any weight, only I hold me back! This is what I have learned from my mother, the saint. I hope this can help you too. Also, please post comments! I still really want this to be a discussion board. Your going to get bored with me eventually!

Possitivity really DOES help.

I have been feeling an emotional down turn recently, and it has sparked a few eating disordered thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have been struggling with the overwhelming fear of gaining weight again. This time though, I have been given a tool that has actually helped, even in the middle of my panic/self hatred thought cycle. I stop myself, and I think if the opposite statement to the negative one that I am repeating to myself. If I am thinking "I am so fat" I make myself think "My body is healthy and beautiful." Even if I do not believe the statement to be true, I am training my brain to think positive things about myself, instead of thinking negative things about myself all the time. Most of my thoughts are negative, and self defeating. I believe that my eating disorder behavior has a lot to do with just trying to distract myself from the pain of feeling so horribly about myself. This makes life livable for me, because it gives me a focus, a focus that isn't so painful. So, I am starting to counter my negativity towards myself with positivity. Every night I write down in my journal as many affirmations about my self as I can think of, and I tell myself positive things when I feel badly, and this works. I am committing myself to operating like this, until the positive thoughts are the natural ones, and the negative take a back seat. I am also choosing over and over again each day to believe and have faith, that I am in the right place at the right time. I am not meant to be striving. This takes off a million pounds. I have to believe that God is leading and guiding me, that I have not missed some critical detail, that I am where he has meant for me to be at any given time.

Also, I have started a forum on gone raw.com called "E.D take-down support group", and I have let them know about this blog, just in case being totaly open and honest is to hard on such a huge site. It may be easier to come for help in a concentrated population of supporters for this specific issue. So, I hope to see a lot more people reaching out here!

Voice yelling for no apparent reason.

I have been nutritionally adopted my a wonderful organization. It is called U weight loss. This is one hundred percent ironic. I am a recovering anorexic who is still on the border line of underweight. I went in to get a free detox and cleanse kit, which I thought would help my digestion. What I got was a whole eating plan, six months worth of a multi-vitamin supplement and weekly counseling. Oh, and the detox kit. I have increase my calories in a healthy way, that has not really caused any significant weight gain in almost one whole month, which is a revelation for my body, which is capable of gaining ten pounds overnight when the neighbours are cooking Cinnamon buns. This has been wonderful, a break from having to figure out my eating alone. I have basically been told exactly what to do to get healthy. Wonderful. Truly. But the voice of anorexic death has been screaming at me as of late. I can't feel normal. I am starting to feel as occupied with my thoughts of wanting-yearling-to loose weight as I did in the middle of my worst time of struggle, which took place over a year ago. I am busy, my life is beginning to be filled with wonderful and fulfilling things. I am pursuing my dream of being a ballet dancer, and I am a nanny to a very demanding four year old. As well, I am taking care of a house hold, and being an over Bering older sister. The thoughts are pretty much there the whole time I am conscious. I think I would just like to loose ten pounds. Just off my stomach, and butt. I want to be toned and fit and THIN. I want to look like a ballerina. Long, lean and housing only the bare minimum of body fat. What is frustrating about this whole thing, is how much it really does not matter. Those ten pounds have absolutely no effect on my life, at all. But the thoughts of them wreak havoc. So it is not even the actually thing, just the thought of the thing, the fear and hatred of the thing, that makes my days allot less pleasurable. Why does this happen? Why does my Psyche want to do this? Why can't I just be happy and satisfied with were I am in life, and let the SO SMALL thing of my weight just of, or at least be an after thought? I don't have the answer for this. I maybe have a desire for drama. Maybe I have not progressed to a point of wanting to just be happy, and not full of the interest that drama and turmoil produces. Am I creating this in my mind? Could I choose to stop? If I really really wanted to stop thinking like this, could I? Do I really want to? Then what would occupy my need for self improvement? My need for control? Could I have a need for the negative? Or is it all just a distraction, that is just there to make me less ecstatic about the wonders that are taking place in my life? I do feel maybe I could just choose to stop. But do I really really want to give this up? It is comfortable and it is what I know. It is my habit and m security blanket of consistency. Am I brave enough to walk away from this nous of safety? Am I brave enough to just be happy? To have a quiet mind? To maybe be bored at times because there is the lack of constant thought, fear and stress? When I look at it this way, I think I am. I believe that I am strong enough to walk away from this. It is selfish and useless. So it is time. I am going to walk away from this. I am going to make more room in my life for important things. This silly fear has taken up enough of my life, and enough of my ability to help others and reach out. It is time for me to stop being spoiled and in my pursuit of comfort. I am ready to move on. I have all that I need, I lack nothing. I can walk away from this, I have Jesus and that I more than what I need. What do you think?

Does everyone have a Tyler Perry inside?

My emotional state today, is crowding out all other sensations. It is actually rather typical of me, to be feeling this particular brand of intense confusion. I woke up this morning feeling slightly off, that is really the best way I know how to describe the sensation. There are things I am very happy about, and things I am rather upset about. I have a few neutral things going around my mind. Physical, this manifest is itself as a slight pressure in my head, and a scatter brained attitude for the day. I have a strong desire to numb out. I think the reason that I want to make all the feelings stop, is because I am very uncomfortable with duality. I don't like that I am not experiencing one clear cut emotion at a time. I hate that I am a mixture. I think I don't really appreciate the fact that life is a mixture. The reason that I have become savvy to what is going on in my emotional self today, is because I do not let myself eat before noon. If this were any other day, I would be in the kitchen right now, focusing intensely on the food before me. Tasting, mixing, blending, tasting, adding, on and on it would go. I would be in there for as long as my schedule would allow, and then I would be off to be distracted by a dance class or a job. I would then come home, eat my dinner and lie in bed for hours, wondering why I feel so weird. But today, I got up to early, and had a whole hour of time not filled with anything, except for my screaming emotional state. I realize that life would get boring, if it were all good all the time. And I know that I would not learn anything in that state either. Which is why I think this state of being I am currently inhabiting is teaching me something. It is hard; so it must be for a purpose. I have taken a few ganders at what I think that purpose might be, and the most likely is quite simple. I think I am being taught to live with the tension. Life is never going to be just perfect. There is always going to be the thorn in the side. True happiness must come from being able to be where it is not perfect, and choose to focus on positive. And maybe even make steps in a positive direction concerning the things that aren't so good. Numbing out is at some points in our life, the thing that we have to do to maintain our sanity. But sometime, it is just a coping mechanism that prevents us from moving forward. It is up to us to decider which moments are which I suppose. Today was a moment for me to come to terms with a few things, and in so doing, I have actually helped dissolve a bit of my tension. I also am feeling an overwhelming sense of fatness. I feel like a blimp. I don't entirely know where this comes from or why. But it clouds everything else out. It becomes my days thought. And I don't know why it is so all consuming. Most people can say, "oh, I have put on a few pounds, I'll just skip dessert tonight." Where I, will think, "I think I have gained weight, why have a gained weight? What is going on with my body? What should I do? Have I really gained weight? Blah blah blah. This is the most frustrating aspect of my Psyche. I don't really know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a nap. What ever the case, it seems that when big changes in my life happen, I don't really react to them, I turn it in and start a mental war that is completely UN-related. This is why I feel fat. It is easier to feel fat, then it is to really figure out and deal with how I am feeling about everything else. But this is precisely what I need to do. And that is what I will do. It is just hard to catch myself in the middle of my body hatred, and realize that its not whats really bothering me. Why do I have to be so confusing, even to myself? My emotions translate physicaly, and send me on a wild goose chase trying to figure out what is actually wrong. Sitting and listening was impossible for me today, tomorrow I will try again.

What is up with our guilt complex?

When I was a baby, my mom tells me that I was one of those rather annoying kids, who would always eat just enough to feel not hungry any more, but then need to re-fuel again in about an hour or two. (You can imagine the amount of 'wear and tear' this little habit of mine subjected to my...mother.) Then, when I became a teenager, I somehow fell into a pattern, like so many others, of starving my self in the day time, and then gorging myself at night. I vividly remember eating, with a fork, standing up at the counter, a 1/4 of a loaf of date banana bread, and promptly running to my room and crying over my lack of self control. I really hated the fact that I wanted to eat. That I needed to eat. So it became for me a cycle of denial followed by over indulgence when my vice grip was loosened by my human biology. I can honesty say, that I still have those same feelings towards myself and eating. I often times wish that I just did not have to bother with eating at all. It is to complicated. On the one hand, I love to cook. I love to be in the kitchen and create things that my family and friends will tell me are "SOOO GOOD!" Admittedly, a part of that may just be my ego, looking for a stroke, and finding that cooking is one of the simple ways to get it. When I eat, I rarely really love what I am eating. I appreciate the concept of good food, but unlike a true foodie, I don't really LOVE anything. I often pick and the foods I have made, and I don't really taste them when I do. I feel like I am going through the motions of eating without being engaged in them at all. Which is why I can go a whole day with out eating, or eat forty five 'picks' of a raw cake I made, and then feel so bloated, but not really feeling when I was getting close to that bloat so I could stop myself. I do find that I go into a strange trance like state when I eat. I know the foods that bother my stomach (most of them) and I know that ones that don't. Yet I constantly go back to those items that hurt me, don't really pay any attention to them as I eat them, and then suffer the consequences. I find being on the raw diet does help, but the same cycle is still in effect. I want to be "good," so I Will deprive myself of anything that is not a fruit or a vegetable, or otherwise deemed "pure" to me, and then I will cook as an excuse to eat the sweet dates, and nuts and seeds, and coconut, with out having to actually sit down and eat them. It is my way of cheating. Who am I cheating? I don't know. There is no one out there who is going to come up to me at the end of my life, or before for that matter, and say "You ate things that hurt your stomach, and you ate things that you liked because you like them, even though they don't make you feel well. You are a failure at life. You have failed your mother, father and all your ancestors before. Hang thy head in shame!" Of course that sounds ridiculous, but it is in a strange sub conscious way, the way that I treat eating and food. So to try and avoid my self inflicted guilt that eating triggers in me, I numb out. I go blank. I eat without tasting or chewing or savouring. I just shovel it in. I am beginning to think that this cycle is one humbred and fifty percent self perpetuated by that one little, teensy, weensy feeling of guilt. And to be fair, it is a self created guilt. I made up the rules that I have a hard time following. I tell myself that I eat the way that I do to avoid getting fat. Which is true to a point. I think the bigger reason that I do it, it because it adds a certain stability to my life. If I am consistently coming up short of my eating goals, it makes it so I have something to worry about and focus on and improve tomorrow. I can't control what is going to happen to me out in the world. I don't know what the expectations of all the people around me are. There is no certainty there, and so I have reached into my own mind, and set up a game. This game keeps me winning and loosing, but always knowing. Things have happened to me, and to all of us, that I did not see coming, and can not explain. Those things I have let drive me to a state of fear, enough that I want to be in control of my personal state at all times. So, I focus on food, my little area of control. I make myself feel guilty for having a survival instinct, and then I do my best to be better tomorrow. I believe that most of us have issues with food, that have nothing to do with food, and everything to do with almost everything else. And we have just transplanted our not knowing how to deal with those things, and put them into our thoughts and feelings about food. Because we can touch food, manipulate food, resist or give in, make rules or break rules. Its our one play ground of control. I need to learn to listen to what the voice inside of me is really saying when I just have to pick at the desserts, or when I feel so 'naughty' for eating. I don't know if any one can relate to this, but if so, I would love to hear from you!



On another note, I think this raw bread is quite nice.



Raw bread



1 cup sunflower seeds

1 cup pumpkin seeds

1 cup flax seeds

2 large carrots

1 lemon

2 tbsp caraway seeds

1 tsp salt.



Blend the seeds into a powder. Then blend the carrots with the lemon. Stir together. Add the salt and caraway seeds. Spread thick on a drying sheet, and dehydrate for forty eight hours, at around 105 degrees. Yum.

Lets get the conversation started people.

This is kinda a catchy title for a blog, is it not? Since it is true. We all DO have to eat. Eating can be one of life's greatest pleasures, it can also be one of life's shittiest experiences. It can be morphed into something that we all dread for quite a few reasons. Bad tasting food, boring food, food poisoning, bad eating associations, traumatic experiences, eating disorders, confusion. How can something so vital for our survival, be rendered so complicated? I know that there are many people out there who do not have a "normal" relationship with food. And I also know that I am one of those people. I am a raw foodist, and I am a post recovery anorexic. I am also a certified Holistic Nutritionist and a caterer and personal chef. If you come to my house, you will be greeted with an assortment of raw delicacies, from desserts to crackers and dips. I cook all the time. I will nibble on what I am making, and sit down to two to three meals a day, but I still have a very difficult time actually consuming an average amount of energy. So in short, I am definitely one of the aforementioned people who does not co exist with food in any kind of real harmony. I have veered off in this direction with my blog for a couple of reasons. 1. I want a place to share some of my recipes, since I have about a million of them, and I would like to know what people think. Or if they live in Edmonton, would like a chance to cook for some people. 2. I think it is important to write about things that are important to us, and things that we know. If there is anything that is important to me, it is food, the psychology of it and our relationship with it. 3. I want to know what other thoughts, ideas and experiences are out there. I want to create and open and honest place for people to come and really tell the truth about what is going on in their lives. I am not a therapist, but I do know that just telling the whole truth every once in a while can be amazingly therapeutic, and not all of us can afford a counselor. So there. I want to tell you how I feel and what I have gone through, and I want you to tell me how your feel and what you have gone through. This whole business of food and body distortion is huge. We are all a part of it because we are all occupying a body. And a brain. So, lets all be real and stop pretending that we are not effected by this mess. Lets talk, heal, and eat! If you want to post here, thats great, and you can talk to just me at coolywash@hotmail.com.



Here is what I made for my sisters dinner today.



"Non-Re fried Seeds"



1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

1 avocado

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp garlic powder (could use whole clove if not lazy)

2 tsp coriander powder

1 tsp salt

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

1/2 cup water (more or less, just to get the blender to actually blend)

1/4 cup spring onions chopped



Blend your seeds to a powder first. Then add the spices, avocado, apple cider vinegar and enough water to make it move. You could also do this in a food processor, it would just be slightly chunky. Stir in spring onions at the end, or serve on top like a garnish.



"Pretty in pink crackers"

1/2 cup flax seeds

1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

2 carrots-chopped

1 beet-chopped

1 lemon

1 tsp salt.

water to move



Blend seeds to a powder, blend carrot, beet and lemon with enough water to make it move. Combine all and spread onto dehydrator sheets, dry over night, flipping in the morning. Should be ready by dinner time. Good with salad and "Non-re fried seeds."

There will be pictures soon. But talk people, talk!

Don't even worry about it.

Every thing that we do is an expression of the self. We are all to big to fit in to a single title. Be all, or you will implode with UN-tapped potential.

Let all things be your creative expression and interpretation of the potential of the moment you are in.

The only failure is to ignore the potential of each moment to be altering or transformitive in some way.

Forget striving. As you express your uniqueness in each moment, you will inevitably walk out your destiny.

If you'r disappointed, something has yet to be revealed, hold on.

Its ironic how we represent time as cyclical, (the shape of a clock is round, and the numbers go around and around from one to twelve over and over again) yet we operate as though it is linear.

Faith without deed is dead, but deed without faith lacks life giving potential.

Don't mistake your perception for reality.

When we feel we are laking inspiration for creativity, we are discounting something we are doing as being creative.

Gods greatest achievement was, and is, getting us to be still.

Hello general public

It is interesting. I have come to discover that my first post was viewed by more than a single pair of eyes. This means more than just my mother! Excellent. Now, a normal person would feel satisfied in this fact, and then would probably proceed to write about whatever it is that was on their minds. I, however am feeling as though I am faced with a dilemma. I made reference to my (at the time) presumed reader as reader(s) in my last post. But now that I know I was graced with more than one, I could remove the bracket, and just assume that my "numbers" will stay up. But does that make me seem presumptuous? Will this lead to an image of pompousness, taking into account that it was only my first blog entry, and people may have just been humoring me? If I do keep the bracket that may make me look as though I have low esteem and confidence in the ability of my writing to hold and audience. This, as we know, can unconsciously convince people that they shouldn't read my posts, due to the fact that even the author has little faith in the quality of the writing. So now I am not sure what I should do. Maybe I could discard referencing the reader at all? So I am going to have to ask you, my reader or readers, to please, comment, let me know that is best. For the rest of my post, I am going to just stick to the reader(s) option, before the feed back pours in.

Now, I am reading a book about the feminine journey to a place of power and embracing a female point of view where spirituality is concerned. I am having a time and a half trying to really understand what the author is trying to communicate to me through the telling of her journey. To be perfectly transparent, I feel that some of the content of the book is very new age, full of many symbols and rituals and awakenings. But I do think that the basic point behind it, to have a spiritual place that is purely feminine, and not a path that is filtered through a male dominated experience, is going to be very freeing. I don't know how much you want to now about my inner struggle reader(s), but being a girl is, at times, hard for me. I was under the incorrect assumption for many years that to be female meant to be weak, dependant, quiet, small and submissive. To be at the foot of the man that is over us. But I am seeing now that this is not at all how God intended it to be. Females are nurturing and loving and domestic to be sure, but we are also strong. Men were called to work and provide for his family, but women were given the task of growing and delivering children, nine months of giving up her own body to another being. Then we are responsible to the next generation to raise competent and well rounded human beings who can take our civilization where we ourselves could not take it. When I think about it, God gave his ONLY son, to a woman to care for. He trusted his most sacred and beloved creation to Mary. This has to say something about the importance of the female presence. And really, the world might just be a little sadder, if it were not for the creativity and expression of the female. What do you believe reader(s)? I think that woman need to embrace their femininity, not as weakness, but as a strength that is all our own. It is not masculine strength, and that is good, because if we were all strong in the same thing, we would all be weak in the same thing. I think that one of the keys to feminine freedom is being around real men who are stepping up and taking their place. We need to be surrounded by men who are realizing their callings, because that frees us to do the same in our lives. Bottom line, we need each other to be complete, because that frees us to be complete ourselves. Life should be a partnership between male and female, not a composition. Women should strive to be real, whole women, and men real and whole men. In this way we can support one another in the way we need to. We can compensate for one another, its just that this saps our energy that would be better spent in other places.

So what would Jesus do reader(s)? Feed back. I want this blog to be a way of starting discussion, and finding out what others think about things. So please, let us know!

But what are the rules?

I am unsure of the rules of blogging. Is it against the protocol to post more than one blog in a single day? If it is, I apologize in advance to all of the bloggers out there who are diligent with the laws that govern blogging, for I am ignorant.

Blogging may or may not turn out to be a big responsibility. It will most likely require honesty and candidness, (convinced that is a real word) two areas of life I am sorely lacking practice in. It is also going to demand consistency of me, which may or may not be something that comes with effort. I don't lack discipline, just the desire to air my dirty laundry. But considering I have initiated this blog all on my own, I must have a hidden desire for the world (or the blogging community, whichever comes first) to know the inner workings of my...self.

Writing one's feelings out in a place where others are likely to read them, is much different than the confines of a personal avenue, such as a diary. A diary with lock and key that you hide under your underwear in the bottom drawer in the back of your closet. (No, I don't actually do that, but I think it illustrates my point effectively, so leave it be) Are there some things not to be said in a public platform, even though the entire idea of a blog is to be a place of expressing ones deepest and possibly darkest thoughts, feelings and emotions? I suppose I will learn all this as I go. Personally, I would rather know such things before even embarking, but it is a little on the late side of things now I suppose.

So here you are reader, you have possibly just spent several minutes of your life reading the previous paragraphs, and have learned little to nothing about me. You may be thinking that this is the worlds most pointless blog, but I promise, they will not all be a jumble of mishmashes thoughts and general inquiries about the nature of blogging. I thought for the sake of courtesy, I should start with the lighter side of life, so as not to deter anyone. I am sure you understand.

I have spent the last few weeks glued to my pillow. I have become sleepy at the drop of the sun, and had a wrenching time getting my eye lids to stay open long enough to find my feet to the floor at the crack of noon. And now, as you may notice, it is friken seven o'clock (pirate word) in the morning, and I have already been awake long enough to create a whole new blog and two posts. What the shit is that about? I think my body really walks to the beat of it's own piano player. It's not even normal enough to have a drummer. Or maybe it is my brain that is off kilter? I do tend to go though phases of extremeness (I am aware that is defiantly not a work, let it go) in almost all of my behaviours. I eat to the extreme, work out the the extreme, rest to the extreme, think to the extreme. I figure I swing wildly one way, only to ping back wildly the other way, so in my own little way, I am balanced. Off kilter or not, this is the brain I have, and I think I will keep it. So there, first problem of the day solved.

Today is Sunday, which is most often my most interesting day of the week. I attend a charismatic Christin church, full of radical and not so radical people of faith. I feel I fall somewhere in the middle, not lacking in faith, just the radical nature. I have been walking with God for as long as memory serves, so I wasn't "radically" saved myself, per-say. I do have a healthy fervor, but anyways. Sundays consist of worship, coffee break, message, random acts of time filling home doings and young adults. (Give or take.) And to the naked eye this may seem mundane, but in actuality, the naked eye would be wrong. I am surrounded by prophetic people. This makes life exciting. I often go to church feeling I am on the cusp of a huge revelation about my life, a deliverance into the next phase. It may be an unhealthy expectation of mine, but I usually do go to my assembly looking forward to a big happening of sorts. I also really look forward to seeing the people I don't get to see often during the week. I find the most interesting people are the ones who rarely but consistently cross your path. They are they ones you know enough about to be interested, but are still surprised by the things they reveal about themselves as time passes. It is not at any sort of comfort level yet, but the spark of intrigue has been ignited. I feel like church is a large metaphor for life. You pretty much get a good cross section of personality types. And sitting back and watching the interactions play themselves out is by far one of my favorite pass times. I know I might look withdrawn and possibly a tad on the creepy side of things when I sit alone at church watching everyone, but really, sometimes it is more fun to just witness, instead of participating all the time. Church is magical, it is a place of higher education (get it!?) of relationship, of worship, of enlightenment, and often a place of airing wounds, generally not by choice, but rather necessity. People see through people there, which is what makes it fascinating and fear inducing for me. But I go, just to see what will happen.

And alas reader, I feel I must conclude today's ramblings, less I loose your attention completely, rendering my blog moot, for lack of active readers. If I am correct, you have learned a little bit about me, I have aired a few thoughts and feelings, and possibly connected to some one out there, or just to myself. I believe that is defiantly grounds for calling this blog entry a success. Until next time reader(s), I will be Sundaying.

The point

The point of time,

culmination of fears.

Holding my gaze,

eyes holding tears.

Seeing the surface,

grasping the depths,

inside is outside,

this is the point of time.

Lines become dim,

space beckons intimacy.

It is the one thing desired,

that weighs on the soul.

Make it stop,

make it go,

hold it in,

let it go.

But what is the point,

the point of our time?

Its to close for comfort,

yet to far to seize.

I want to take back,

those moments in time.

But they are the point.