Does everyone have a Tyler Perry inside?

My emotional state today, is crowding out all other sensations. It is actually rather typical of me, to be feeling this particular brand of intense confusion. I woke up this morning feeling slightly off, that is really the best way I know how to describe the sensation. There are things I am very happy about, and things I am rather upset about. I have a few neutral things going around my mind. Physical, this manifest is itself as a slight pressure in my head, and a scatter brained attitude for the day. I have a strong desire to numb out. I think the reason that I want to make all the feelings stop, is because I am very uncomfortable with duality. I don't like that I am not experiencing one clear cut emotion at a time. I hate that I am a mixture. I think I don't really appreciate the fact that life is a mixture. The reason that I have become savvy to what is going on in my emotional self today, is because I do not let myself eat before noon. If this were any other day, I would be in the kitchen right now, focusing intensely on the food before me. Tasting, mixing, blending, tasting, adding, on and on it would go. I would be in there for as long as my schedule would allow, and then I would be off to be distracted by a dance class or a job. I would then come home, eat my dinner and lie in bed for hours, wondering why I feel so weird. But today, I got up to early, and had a whole hour of time not filled with anything, except for my screaming emotional state. I realize that life would get boring, if it were all good all the time. And I know that I would not learn anything in that state either. Which is why I think this state of being I am currently inhabiting is teaching me something. It is hard; so it must be for a purpose. I have taken a few ganders at what I think that purpose might be, and the most likely is quite simple. I think I am being taught to live with the tension. Life is never going to be just perfect. There is always going to be the thorn in the side. True happiness must come from being able to be where it is not perfect, and choose to focus on positive. And maybe even make steps in a positive direction concerning the things that aren't so good. Numbing out is at some points in our life, the thing that we have to do to maintain our sanity. But sometime, it is just a coping mechanism that prevents us from moving forward. It is up to us to decider which moments are which I suppose. Today was a moment for me to come to terms with a few things, and in so doing, I have actually helped dissolve a bit of my tension. I also am feeling an overwhelming sense of fatness. I feel like a blimp. I don't entirely know where this comes from or why. But it clouds everything else out. It becomes my days thought. And I don't know why it is so all consuming. Most people can say, "oh, I have put on a few pounds, I'll just skip dessert tonight." Where I, will think, "I think I have gained weight, why have a gained weight? What is going on with my body? What should I do? Have I really gained weight? Blah blah blah. This is the most frustrating aspect of my Psyche. I don't really know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a nap. What ever the case, it seems that when big changes in my life happen, I don't really react to them, I turn it in and start a mental war that is completely UN-related. This is why I feel fat. It is easier to feel fat, then it is to really figure out and deal with how I am feeling about everything else. But this is precisely what I need to do. And that is what I will do. It is just hard to catch myself in the middle of my body hatred, and realize that its not whats really bothering me. Why do I have to be so confusing, even to myself? My emotions translate physicaly, and send me on a wild goose chase trying to figure out what is actually wrong. Sitting and listening was impossible for me today, tomorrow I will try again.

What is up with our guilt complex?

When I was a baby, my mom tells me that I was one of those rather annoying kids, who would always eat just enough to feel not hungry any more, but then need to re-fuel again in about an hour or two. (You can imagine the amount of 'wear and tear' this little habit of mine subjected to my...mother.) Then, when I became a teenager, I somehow fell into a pattern, like so many others, of starving my self in the day time, and then gorging myself at night. I vividly remember eating, with a fork, standing up at the counter, a 1/4 of a loaf of date banana bread, and promptly running to my room and crying over my lack of self control. I really hated the fact that I wanted to eat. That I needed to eat. So it became for me a cycle of denial followed by over indulgence when my vice grip was loosened by my human biology. I can honesty say, that I still have those same feelings towards myself and eating. I often times wish that I just did not have to bother with eating at all. It is to complicated. On the one hand, I love to cook. I love to be in the kitchen and create things that my family and friends will tell me are "SOOO GOOD!" Admittedly, a part of that may just be my ego, looking for a stroke, and finding that cooking is one of the simple ways to get it. When I eat, I rarely really love what I am eating. I appreciate the concept of good food, but unlike a true foodie, I don't really LOVE anything. I often pick and the foods I have made, and I don't really taste them when I do. I feel like I am going through the motions of eating without being engaged in them at all. Which is why I can go a whole day with out eating, or eat forty five 'picks' of a raw cake I made, and then feel so bloated, but not really feeling when I was getting close to that bloat so I could stop myself. I do find that I go into a strange trance like state when I eat. I know the foods that bother my stomach (most of them) and I know that ones that don't. Yet I constantly go back to those items that hurt me, don't really pay any attention to them as I eat them, and then suffer the consequences. I find being on the raw diet does help, but the same cycle is still in effect. I want to be "good," so I Will deprive myself of anything that is not a fruit or a vegetable, or otherwise deemed "pure" to me, and then I will cook as an excuse to eat the sweet dates, and nuts and seeds, and coconut, with out having to actually sit down and eat them. It is my way of cheating. Who am I cheating? I don't know. There is no one out there who is going to come up to me at the end of my life, or before for that matter, and say "You ate things that hurt your stomach, and you ate things that you liked because you like them, even though they don't make you feel well. You are a failure at life. You have failed your mother, father and all your ancestors before. Hang thy head in shame!" Of course that sounds ridiculous, but it is in a strange sub conscious way, the way that I treat eating and food. So to try and avoid my self inflicted guilt that eating triggers in me, I numb out. I go blank. I eat without tasting or chewing or savouring. I just shovel it in. I am beginning to think that this cycle is one humbred and fifty percent self perpetuated by that one little, teensy, weensy feeling of guilt. And to be fair, it is a self created guilt. I made up the rules that I have a hard time following. I tell myself that I eat the way that I do to avoid getting fat. Which is true to a point. I think the bigger reason that I do it, it because it adds a certain stability to my life. If I am consistently coming up short of my eating goals, it makes it so I have something to worry about and focus on and improve tomorrow. I can't control what is going to happen to me out in the world. I don't know what the expectations of all the people around me are. There is no certainty there, and so I have reached into my own mind, and set up a game. This game keeps me winning and loosing, but always knowing. Things have happened to me, and to all of us, that I did not see coming, and can not explain. Those things I have let drive me to a state of fear, enough that I want to be in control of my personal state at all times. So, I focus on food, my little area of control. I make myself feel guilty for having a survival instinct, and then I do my best to be better tomorrow. I believe that most of us have issues with food, that have nothing to do with food, and everything to do with almost everything else. And we have just transplanted our not knowing how to deal with those things, and put them into our thoughts and feelings about food. Because we can touch food, manipulate food, resist or give in, make rules or break rules. Its our one play ground of control. I need to learn to listen to what the voice inside of me is really saying when I just have to pick at the desserts, or when I feel so 'naughty' for eating. I don't know if any one can relate to this, but if so, I would love to hear from you!



On another note, I think this raw bread is quite nice.



Raw bread



1 cup sunflower seeds

1 cup pumpkin seeds

1 cup flax seeds

2 large carrots

1 lemon

2 tbsp caraway seeds

1 tsp salt.



Blend the seeds into a powder. Then blend the carrots with the lemon. Stir together. Add the salt and caraway seeds. Spread thick on a drying sheet, and dehydrate for forty eight hours, at around 105 degrees. Yum.

Lets get the conversation started people.

This is kinda a catchy title for a blog, is it not? Since it is true. We all DO have to eat. Eating can be one of life's greatest pleasures, it can also be one of life's shittiest experiences. It can be morphed into something that we all dread for quite a few reasons. Bad tasting food, boring food, food poisoning, bad eating associations, traumatic experiences, eating disorders, confusion. How can something so vital for our survival, be rendered so complicated? I know that there are many people out there who do not have a "normal" relationship with food. And I also know that I am one of those people. I am a raw foodist, and I am a post recovery anorexic. I am also a certified Holistic Nutritionist and a caterer and personal chef. If you come to my house, you will be greeted with an assortment of raw delicacies, from desserts to crackers and dips. I cook all the time. I will nibble on what I am making, and sit down to two to three meals a day, but I still have a very difficult time actually consuming an average amount of energy. So in short, I am definitely one of the aforementioned people who does not co exist with food in any kind of real harmony. I have veered off in this direction with my blog for a couple of reasons. 1. I want a place to share some of my recipes, since I have about a million of them, and I would like to know what people think. Or if they live in Edmonton, would like a chance to cook for some people. 2. I think it is important to write about things that are important to us, and things that we know. If there is anything that is important to me, it is food, the psychology of it and our relationship with it. 3. I want to know what other thoughts, ideas and experiences are out there. I want to create and open and honest place for people to come and really tell the truth about what is going on in their lives. I am not a therapist, but I do know that just telling the whole truth every once in a while can be amazingly therapeutic, and not all of us can afford a counselor. So there. I want to tell you how I feel and what I have gone through, and I want you to tell me how your feel and what you have gone through. This whole business of food and body distortion is huge. We are all a part of it because we are all occupying a body. And a brain. So, lets all be real and stop pretending that we are not effected by this mess. Lets talk, heal, and eat! If you want to post here, thats great, and you can talk to just me at coolywash@hotmail.com.



Here is what I made for my sisters dinner today.



"Non-Re fried Seeds"



1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

1 avocado

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp garlic powder (could use whole clove if not lazy)

2 tsp coriander powder

1 tsp salt

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

1/2 cup water (more or less, just to get the blender to actually blend)

1/4 cup spring onions chopped



Blend your seeds to a powder first. Then add the spices, avocado, apple cider vinegar and enough water to make it move. You could also do this in a food processor, it would just be slightly chunky. Stir in spring onions at the end, or serve on top like a garnish.



"Pretty in pink crackers"

1/2 cup flax seeds

1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

2 carrots-chopped

1 beet-chopped

1 lemon

1 tsp salt.

water to move



Blend seeds to a powder, blend carrot, beet and lemon with enough water to make it move. Combine all and spread onto dehydrator sheets, dry over night, flipping in the morning. Should be ready by dinner time. Good with salad and "Non-re fried seeds."

There will be pictures soon. But talk people, talk!