What makes you cry? Do that!

Hello awesome readers. You may be few and far between, but I still love you very very much. I have been doing some dungeon digging as of late, dissolving my fearful thoughts and what not, and I have come to a few important conclusions I wish to share with you. Just in case you are un-familiar with Martha Beck-isms, here is a short break down (wikka wikka wok!). Her theory is that we create little "dungeons" for ourselves, in our minds, by believing painful thoughts that are not true. Most of these pesky little buggers come in the form of "I can't" phrases, or "I have to" phrases, or the oh so popular "yeah buuuuuuut." By believing that we are trapped by something, we create that trappings and it becomes our reality. Her way of getting outta there is to "Dissolve" your thoughts and then replace them with new freeing ones. So, you may have a dungeon thought like " Even though I would much rather practice playing my tuba, I HAVE to mow the lawn for Francis, otherwise he will HATE me, FOREVER!" In order to dissolve this trapping thought, you have to dissolve it, by re-examining what is true. You do not HAVE to do anything, you are totally in control of your life, and you can choose to do whatever you want. You do not know what Francis reaction to your lawn neglect will be, but you can trust that you are completely capable of handling which ever form the reaction comes in. So there, you are now in a total position of power, to make a choice and be free. In my personal head, I have come to realize that a good 98.75% of my thoughts were crazy dungeon ones. Most of them center around my NEVER amounting to anything, and how much of a FAILURE I am. But when I look at these oh so scary thoughts, I realize, they are just thoughts. And they are just fears. They are not actually happening. I am still rolling along in life, I am writing and taking class, and nannying and shopping and working out blah blah blah. Also, I have no idea where any of what I am doing is going to lead me. I have no idea. It would not generally be a calming idea to not know where one is going, but for me right now, it is. It takes me out of the drivers seat. It puts me in a position of faith, that everything in my life has a purpose and is all going to work together some how. But it is not my responsibility to make that happen. Life will do that for me. God's got it. HORRAY! But I do not believe that leaves me completely off the hook, to just take long baths and paint my nails. I still have some work to do. I believe where my blood sweat and tears come into play, is in the discovering my deep inner self, and letting her out. I have had a solid 15 years of being told that my intuition is wrong. Of being told that what I feel and what I think and what I do is fundamentally incorrect on some level or another. I really have questioned my sanity on many, many occasions. But now I am learning. I am learning that my judgement is generally right on the money. I am learning that I do have some spiritual gifting that put me at odds with people who just want everything to look nice and pretty. I have learned that I do have a bit of a confronting personality, and people don't really like that. But it is OK. I am who I am. I am allowed to be who I am. I am not bad! In fact, I am good! And this leads me to my point. If I am good, that would mean that the way I naturally am, is good. (Yes, I know, slightly redundant, and no I was not trying to undermine your intelligence, give me a minute.) And if the way I naturally am is good, than the things I naturally gravitate towards, are also, yes, you guessed it, good! The only problem with that is, I have lost touch with a good chunk of my natural self through years of believing it was bad and wrong, and needed to be stifled. So, now as I dungeon dig and thought dissolve, I am getting closer and closer to the real me that lives somewhere in my stomach(visualization is key, people.) And as I un-earth her, I am learning all these things that I knew as a child, but just forgot for a little bit. I am learning that to be self conscious is a learned behaviour given to me by social conditioning, but the real me doesn't care so much what people think if her, as long as she is living out her truth. I am learning that we are all different and think different and look different but we can all be right at the same time. I am learning that I love to perform and to communicate with an audience. All my fears about what people think about me were just that- silly learned fear thoughts. They are not true. Getting all the junk out of the way is a considerable task at times, but it is worth it. The reason it is worth it is because it will yield to you your Core, and your Core knows exactly why you are here. I believe that we all have a destiny, and the things that happen to us in our lives are all lessons set up to get us to where we are going. And when you are connected to your Core, I believe you are guided by what you love, and what you love is guiding you to your destiny. I read on another blog that the way to discover your destiny is to write down at the top of a sheet of paper, "what is my destiny?" And then to just write and write answers that come to your mind, until you get to the one that makes you cry. And that folks is your answer. This has happened to me on many occasions when I engage in the thing I think is my destiny. I will be walking along, and then BAM-crying. This confused me in the past, when I was so disconnected from myself I didn't even feel the tears coming. But now I know. And I believe that we all know. We just need to dig ourselves out of our little thought dungeons and give our Cores the chance to cry. And then we can do what we are here to do. And that is when all other little problems seem small.

NEW NEWS!

OK everyone, I have created the e.d take down web site! Come and chat and get support. Tell your story, and get advice. Also, I am a certified holistic nutritionist, so if any one would like some help with their eating, contact me on my new website, OK? Love you all.

www.edtakedown.ning.com.

Funny connection.

I have a feeling that my brain really does function in a way that is plausibly UN-interpretable by the more normal masses, but this is just something that you, my lovely readers, will just have to cope with. I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and he was telling my about his recent experience with an over-the-counter legal hallucinogenic drug. The effects of the drug are a 1-5 minute hallucination followed by a few hours of feeling 'high'. He was telling me that when you hallucinate under the influence of this drug, you can remember what you saw after the fact. I was interested in this. I wondered if the hallucination experience was just another way of the subconscious exerting itself, as is the case with dreaming. When your nervous system is relaxed (IE. during sleep, under the influence of drugs) the subconscious inevitably comes into focus, and into the forefront. My friends hallucination did, once analyzed and deciphered, coincide with feelings that he admittedly, was trying not to feel. And we all have these types of feelings. Things we have gone through that we are not ready to deal with. We stuff down our fears, angers, anxieties, desires, but what we do not realize is that in doing so, they still effect us. We would like to think that when we put them on the back shelf of our conscience, that they are no longer active. I have learned however, that this is an entirely false assumption. I believe that the more we try to stuff something down, the more we struggle not to look at it, the more it manifests itself in our lives. I believe that my anorexia was 100% my coping mechanism for avoiding thoughts and feelings that I deemed UN-desirable. And thus my stuffing down, totally dictated my choices and behaviours. So instead of putting me in a place of complete control, which was the intended goal, it put me in a place of utter lack of control. I was a slave to my compulsions, because they were the only thing that were keeping me safe from the feelings! So in coming back to the hallucinations, my friend hallucinated about what he was really feeling deep down, and all his fear and insecurities came to the surface. He felt afraid and lonely, but had no real concrete reason as to why. The hallucination brought them up, but in the form of a metaphor, which really served only to cause greater confusion, and a surfacing of the undesired feelings, without any instruction on how to deal with them effectively. I believe that the same thing happens to us when we meditate. Meditation brings us to a place of calm. When we calm our nervous system, our subconscious has a chance to be heard. However, when we are not in a conscious altering state, most of the time our feelings will come up and out as they really are. And when you are meditating and connecting with your deepest self, you will also be connected to the peaceful part of you that knows how to handle the negative feelings. I believe that we all have the divine within us, and I believe that we are all being lead and guided towards are most wonderful life by this divine. I think that our fears and 'real life' just scream to loud for most of us to hear that inner wisdom. Effectively, we are all being controlled, in one way or another, by our UN-dealt with emotions. We all act out in a way to avoid pain, and in this we are not totally free. I believe that by calming ourselves and not being afraid to face the things we have tucked away in our minds, we will see new life. We will become aware of why we do the things that we do compulsively. We will become aware of how we really feel about the people and situations in our lives. And we will connect with the divine, and we will move forward. The only way out of a problem is to deal with it. Avoidance will cause its own problems. I think eating disorders are all caused by to many feelings and emotions being not acknowledged. This causes a chain reaction of self mutilation and deprivation, leading to compulsion to starve or throw up, or binge, as a way of not feeling. We need to feel what we feel. We need to deal with what we feel. I have found that I need to trust that I am safe, that I am cared for, and that I can handle all the things in my life. I know that it is all going to be OK. But I only know this because I connect with the divine peace within me. We are all capeable. If you are haveing truble with coplulsitory behaviour, mediate, or if it is to scary to do it alone, talk with someone. Express yourself in a place where you feel safe. I am open to anyone who wants to e-mail me or post here. You do not have to do this alone, and dealing with your inner thoughts and fears will bring you freedom, I garuntee it. Don't stuff yourself down. Let you be, and you will be free. Mediation is so much better than hallucinatory drugs.