Mums advice

My mom is definitely one of the most inspiring people that I know. Now of course, I am not going to go into airing any of her 'dirty laundry' so to speak, she can tell her story if she wants too. But I will tell you that she is the strongest most supportive person on the face of the planet. When I was at my sickest, she didn't let me go. She did all that she could, and then a little bit more, to fight the thing inside of me that was causing my slow death. My mother literally saved my life. She is also the type of person who walks her talk, and she has done so much work on herself, and been the catalyst for so much of her own self growth. She does not just sit back and let what has happened to her completely affect her way of life in the presant. She is brave and she tackles all of her own issues. Her courage to face her demons gave me the courage to face mine. And as I have been reflecting on how goddess like my mother is, I have thought of several bits of wisdom she has given me. And I want to share them with you. 1. She taught me how important it is to just sit with your agitation/stress/anxiety. She told me to just take it in my mind, find a quiet space and don't try to fix it, just sit with it. This always works to bring a level of peace, even if it does not help you to eradicate the source completely. 2. Journal your feelings, just getting them out of your head and onto paper will immediate bring them into a perspective that is close to reality. Talking about them is the next step 3. face your fear. The greatest gifts are always hidden behind the most fear. Fear should never be the reason you do not pursue a dream. 4. Focus on the life you want, do not dwell on the things that make the one you have now not what you want. My mom told me once, when I was freaking out about my weight, that even if I stayed at the horrifically high (in my opinion at the time) weight, I could still fully live my dream. My weight has no effect on how I live my dreams, unless I give it the power. Shifting my focus from the one thing that I couldn't really change at the time (my weight) to my goals in life, and how I was going to go about achieving them, put everything into perspective. My body is going to do what it is going to do. I will of course eat well, work out and do my best to take care of it, but I cannot control what it does. I can control how many of my dreams I shoot for, and how full of passion my life is. I can focus on getting to know myself deeply and fully, and expressing that with all I have. This is what is important. She taught me to pursue the life of my dreams, not the weight of my dreams. To expand my focus, and not give my fears of weight so much influence. I am free to live my life at any weight, only I hold me back! This is what I have learned from my mother, the saint. I hope this can help you too. Also, please post comments! I still really want this to be a discussion board. Your going to get bored with me eventually!

Possitivity really DOES help.

I have been feeling an emotional down turn recently, and it has sparked a few eating disordered thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have been struggling with the overwhelming fear of gaining weight again. This time though, I have been given a tool that has actually helped, even in the middle of my panic/self hatred thought cycle. I stop myself, and I think if the opposite statement to the negative one that I am repeating to myself. If I am thinking "I am so fat" I make myself think "My body is healthy and beautiful." Even if I do not believe the statement to be true, I am training my brain to think positive things about myself, instead of thinking negative things about myself all the time. Most of my thoughts are negative, and self defeating. I believe that my eating disorder behavior has a lot to do with just trying to distract myself from the pain of feeling so horribly about myself. This makes life livable for me, because it gives me a focus, a focus that isn't so painful. So, I am starting to counter my negativity towards myself with positivity. Every night I write down in my journal as many affirmations about my self as I can think of, and I tell myself positive things when I feel badly, and this works. I am committing myself to operating like this, until the positive thoughts are the natural ones, and the negative take a back seat. I am also choosing over and over again each day to believe and have faith, that I am in the right place at the right time. I am not meant to be striving. This takes off a million pounds. I have to believe that God is leading and guiding me, that I have not missed some critical detail, that I am where he has meant for me to be at any given time.

Also, I have started a forum on gone raw.com called "E.D take-down support group", and I have let them know about this blog, just in case being totaly open and honest is to hard on such a huge site. It may be easier to come for help in a concentrated population of supporters for this specific issue. So, I hope to see a lot more people reaching out here!

Voice yelling for no apparent reason.

I have been nutritionally adopted my a wonderful organization. It is called U weight loss. This is one hundred percent ironic. I am a recovering anorexic who is still on the border line of underweight. I went in to get a free detox and cleanse kit, which I thought would help my digestion. What I got was a whole eating plan, six months worth of a multi-vitamin supplement and weekly counseling. Oh, and the detox kit. I have increase my calories in a healthy way, that has not really caused any significant weight gain in almost one whole month, which is a revelation for my body, which is capable of gaining ten pounds overnight when the neighbours are cooking Cinnamon buns. This has been wonderful, a break from having to figure out my eating alone. I have basically been told exactly what to do to get healthy. Wonderful. Truly. But the voice of anorexic death has been screaming at me as of late. I can't feel normal. I am starting to feel as occupied with my thoughts of wanting-yearling-to loose weight as I did in the middle of my worst time of struggle, which took place over a year ago. I am busy, my life is beginning to be filled with wonderful and fulfilling things. I am pursuing my dream of being a ballet dancer, and I am a nanny to a very demanding four year old. As well, I am taking care of a house hold, and being an over Bering older sister. The thoughts are pretty much there the whole time I am conscious. I think I would just like to loose ten pounds. Just off my stomach, and butt. I want to be toned and fit and THIN. I want to look like a ballerina. Long, lean and housing only the bare minimum of body fat. What is frustrating about this whole thing, is how much it really does not matter. Those ten pounds have absolutely no effect on my life, at all. But the thoughts of them wreak havoc. So it is not even the actually thing, just the thought of the thing, the fear and hatred of the thing, that makes my days allot less pleasurable. Why does this happen? Why does my Psyche want to do this? Why can't I just be happy and satisfied with were I am in life, and let the SO SMALL thing of my weight just of, or at least be an after thought? I don't have the answer for this. I maybe have a desire for drama. Maybe I have not progressed to a point of wanting to just be happy, and not full of the interest that drama and turmoil produces. Am I creating this in my mind? Could I choose to stop? If I really really wanted to stop thinking like this, could I? Do I really want to? Then what would occupy my need for self improvement? My need for control? Could I have a need for the negative? Or is it all just a distraction, that is just there to make me less ecstatic about the wonders that are taking place in my life? I do feel maybe I could just choose to stop. But do I really really want to give this up? It is comfortable and it is what I know. It is my habit and m security blanket of consistency. Am I brave enough to walk away from this nous of safety? Am I brave enough to just be happy? To have a quiet mind? To maybe be bored at times because there is the lack of constant thought, fear and stress? When I look at it this way, I think I am. I believe that I am strong enough to walk away from this. It is selfish and useless. So it is time. I am going to walk away from this. I am going to make more room in my life for important things. This silly fear has taken up enough of my life, and enough of my ability to help others and reach out. It is time for me to stop being spoiled and in my pursuit of comfort. I am ready to move on. I have all that I need, I lack nothing. I can walk away from this, I have Jesus and that I more than what I need. What do you think?