Voice yelling for no apparent reason.

I have been nutritionally adopted my a wonderful organization. It is called U weight loss. This is one hundred percent ironic. I am a recovering anorexic who is still on the border line of underweight. I went in to get a free detox and cleanse kit, which I thought would help my digestion. What I got was a whole eating plan, six months worth of a multi-vitamin supplement and weekly counseling. Oh, and the detox kit. I have increase my calories in a healthy way, that has not really caused any significant weight gain in almost one whole month, which is a revelation for my body, which is capable of gaining ten pounds overnight when the neighbours are cooking Cinnamon buns. This has been wonderful, a break from having to figure out my eating alone. I have basically been told exactly what to do to get healthy. Wonderful. Truly. But the voice of anorexic death has been screaming at me as of late. I can't feel normal. I am starting to feel as occupied with my thoughts of wanting-yearling-to loose weight as I did in the middle of my worst time of struggle, which took place over a year ago. I am busy, my life is beginning to be filled with wonderful and fulfilling things. I am pursuing my dream of being a ballet dancer, and I am a nanny to a very demanding four year old. As well, I am taking care of a house hold, and being an over Bering older sister. The thoughts are pretty much there the whole time I am conscious. I think I would just like to loose ten pounds. Just off my stomach, and butt. I want to be toned and fit and THIN. I want to look like a ballerina. Long, lean and housing only the bare minimum of body fat. What is frustrating about this whole thing, is how much it really does not matter. Those ten pounds have absolutely no effect on my life, at all. But the thoughts of them wreak havoc. So it is not even the actually thing, just the thought of the thing, the fear and hatred of the thing, that makes my days allot less pleasurable. Why does this happen? Why does my Psyche want to do this? Why can't I just be happy and satisfied with were I am in life, and let the SO SMALL thing of my weight just of, or at least be an after thought? I don't have the answer for this. I maybe have a desire for drama. Maybe I have not progressed to a point of wanting to just be happy, and not full of the interest that drama and turmoil produces. Am I creating this in my mind? Could I choose to stop? If I really really wanted to stop thinking like this, could I? Do I really want to? Then what would occupy my need for self improvement? My need for control? Could I have a need for the negative? Or is it all just a distraction, that is just there to make me less ecstatic about the wonders that are taking place in my life? I do feel maybe I could just choose to stop. But do I really really want to give this up? It is comfortable and it is what I know. It is my habit and m security blanket of consistency. Am I brave enough to walk away from this nous of safety? Am I brave enough to just be happy? To have a quiet mind? To maybe be bored at times because there is the lack of constant thought, fear and stress? When I look at it this way, I think I am. I believe that I am strong enough to walk away from this. It is selfish and useless. So it is time. I am going to walk away from this. I am going to make more room in my life for important things. This silly fear has taken up enough of my life, and enough of my ability to help others and reach out. It is time for me to stop being spoiled and in my pursuit of comfort. I am ready to move on. I have all that I need, I lack nothing. I can walk away from this, I have Jesus and that I more than what I need. What do you think?