Does everyone have a Tyler Perry inside?

My emotional state today, is crowding out all other sensations. It is actually rather typical of me, to be feeling this particular brand of intense confusion. I woke up this morning feeling slightly off, that is really the best way I know how to describe the sensation. There are things I am very happy about, and things I am rather upset about. I have a few neutral things going around my mind. Physical, this manifest is itself as a slight pressure in my head, and a scatter brained attitude for the day. I have a strong desire to numb out. I think the reason that I want to make all the feelings stop, is because I am very uncomfortable with duality. I don't like that I am not experiencing one clear cut emotion at a time. I hate that I am a mixture. I think I don't really appreciate the fact that life is a mixture. The reason that I have become savvy to what is going on in my emotional self today, is because I do not let myself eat before noon. If this were any other day, I would be in the kitchen right now, focusing intensely on the food before me. Tasting, mixing, blending, tasting, adding, on and on it would go. I would be in there for as long as my schedule would allow, and then I would be off to be distracted by a dance class or a job. I would then come home, eat my dinner and lie in bed for hours, wondering why I feel so weird. But today, I got up to early, and had a whole hour of time not filled with anything, except for my screaming emotional state. I realize that life would get boring, if it were all good all the time. And I know that I would not learn anything in that state either. Which is why I think this state of being I am currently inhabiting is teaching me something. It is hard; so it must be for a purpose. I have taken a few ganders at what I think that purpose might be, and the most likely is quite simple. I think I am being taught to live with the tension. Life is never going to be just perfect. There is always going to be the thorn in the side. True happiness must come from being able to be where it is not perfect, and choose to focus on positive. And maybe even make steps in a positive direction concerning the things that aren't so good. Numbing out is at some points in our life, the thing that we have to do to maintain our sanity. But sometime, it is just a coping mechanism that prevents us from moving forward. It is up to us to decider which moments are which I suppose. Today was a moment for me to come to terms with a few things, and in so doing, I have actually helped dissolve a bit of my tension. I also am feeling an overwhelming sense of fatness. I feel like a blimp. I don't entirely know where this comes from or why. But it clouds everything else out. It becomes my days thought. And I don't know why it is so all consuming. Most people can say, "oh, I have put on a few pounds, I'll just skip dessert tonight." Where I, will think, "I think I have gained weight, why have a gained weight? What is going on with my body? What should I do? Have I really gained weight? Blah blah blah. This is the most frustrating aspect of my Psyche. I don't really know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a nap. What ever the case, it seems that when big changes in my life happen, I don't really react to them, I turn it in and start a mental war that is completely UN-related. This is why I feel fat. It is easier to feel fat, then it is to really figure out and deal with how I am feeling about everything else. But this is precisely what I need to do. And that is what I will do. It is just hard to catch myself in the middle of my body hatred, and realize that its not whats really bothering me. Why do I have to be so confusing, even to myself? My emotions translate physicaly, and send me on a wild goose chase trying to figure out what is actually wrong. Sitting and listening was impossible for me today, tomorrow I will try again.