What makes you cry? Do that!

Hello awesome readers. You may be few and far between, but I still love you very very much. I have been doing some dungeon digging as of late, dissolving my fearful thoughts and what not, and I have come to a few important conclusions I wish to share with you. Just in case you are un-familiar with Martha Beck-isms, here is a short break down (wikka wikka wok!). Her theory is that we create little "dungeons" for ourselves, in our minds, by believing painful thoughts that are not true. Most of these pesky little buggers come in the form of "I can't" phrases, or "I have to" phrases, or the oh so popular "yeah buuuuuuut." By believing that we are trapped by something, we create that trappings and it becomes our reality. Her way of getting outta there is to "Dissolve" your thoughts and then replace them with new freeing ones. So, you may have a dungeon thought like " Even though I would much rather practice playing my tuba, I HAVE to mow the lawn for Francis, otherwise he will HATE me, FOREVER!" In order to dissolve this trapping thought, you have to dissolve it, by re-examining what is true. You do not HAVE to do anything, you are totally in control of your life, and you can choose to do whatever you want. You do not know what Francis reaction to your lawn neglect will be, but you can trust that you are completely capable of handling which ever form the reaction comes in. So there, you are now in a total position of power, to make a choice and be free. In my personal head, I have come to realize that a good 98.75% of my thoughts were crazy dungeon ones. Most of them center around my NEVER amounting to anything, and how much of a FAILURE I am. But when I look at these oh so scary thoughts, I realize, they are just thoughts. And they are just fears. They are not actually happening. I am still rolling along in life, I am writing and taking class, and nannying and shopping and working out blah blah blah. Also, I have no idea where any of what I am doing is going to lead me. I have no idea. It would not generally be a calming idea to not know where one is going, but for me right now, it is. It takes me out of the drivers seat. It puts me in a position of faith, that everything in my life has a purpose and is all going to work together some how. But it is not my responsibility to make that happen. Life will do that for me. God's got it. HORRAY! But I do not believe that leaves me completely off the hook, to just take long baths and paint my nails. I still have some work to do. I believe where my blood sweat and tears come into play, is in the discovering my deep inner self, and letting her out. I have had a solid 15 years of being told that my intuition is wrong. Of being told that what I feel and what I think and what I do is fundamentally incorrect on some level or another. I really have questioned my sanity on many, many occasions. But now I am learning. I am learning that my judgement is generally right on the money. I am learning that I do have some spiritual gifting that put me at odds with people who just want everything to look nice and pretty. I have learned that I do have a bit of a confronting personality, and people don't really like that. But it is OK. I am who I am. I am allowed to be who I am. I am not bad! In fact, I am good! And this leads me to my point. If I am good, that would mean that the way I naturally am, is good. (Yes, I know, slightly redundant, and no I was not trying to undermine your intelligence, give me a minute.) And if the way I naturally am is good, than the things I naturally gravitate towards, are also, yes, you guessed it, good! The only problem with that is, I have lost touch with a good chunk of my natural self through years of believing it was bad and wrong, and needed to be stifled. So, now as I dungeon dig and thought dissolve, I am getting closer and closer to the real me that lives somewhere in my stomach(visualization is key, people.) And as I un-earth her, I am learning all these things that I knew as a child, but just forgot for a little bit. I am learning that to be self conscious is a learned behaviour given to me by social conditioning, but the real me doesn't care so much what people think if her, as long as she is living out her truth. I am learning that we are all different and think different and look different but we can all be right at the same time. I am learning that I love to perform and to communicate with an audience. All my fears about what people think about me were just that- silly learned fear thoughts. They are not true. Getting all the junk out of the way is a considerable task at times, but it is worth it. The reason it is worth it is because it will yield to you your Core, and your Core knows exactly why you are here. I believe that we all have a destiny, and the things that happen to us in our lives are all lessons set up to get us to where we are going. And when you are connected to your Core, I believe you are guided by what you love, and what you love is guiding you to your destiny. I read on another blog that the way to discover your destiny is to write down at the top of a sheet of paper, "what is my destiny?" And then to just write and write answers that come to your mind, until you get to the one that makes you cry. And that folks is your answer. This has happened to me on many occasions when I engage in the thing I think is my destiny. I will be walking along, and then BAM-crying. This confused me in the past, when I was so disconnected from myself I didn't even feel the tears coming. But now I know. And I believe that we all know. We just need to dig ourselves out of our little thought dungeons and give our Cores the chance to cry. And then we can do what we are here to do. And that is when all other little problems seem small.