Funny connection.

I have a feeling that my brain really does function in a way that is plausibly UN-interpretable by the more normal masses, but this is just something that you, my lovely readers, will just have to cope with. I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and he was telling my about his recent experience with an over-the-counter legal hallucinogenic drug. The effects of the drug are a 1-5 minute hallucination followed by a few hours of feeling 'high'. He was telling me that when you hallucinate under the influence of this drug, you can remember what you saw after the fact. I was interested in this. I wondered if the hallucination experience was just another way of the subconscious exerting itself, as is the case with dreaming. When your nervous system is relaxed (IE. during sleep, under the influence of drugs) the subconscious inevitably comes into focus, and into the forefront. My friends hallucination did, once analyzed and deciphered, coincide with feelings that he admittedly, was trying not to feel. And we all have these types of feelings. Things we have gone through that we are not ready to deal with. We stuff down our fears, angers, anxieties, desires, but what we do not realize is that in doing so, they still effect us. We would like to think that when we put them on the back shelf of our conscience, that they are no longer active. I have learned however, that this is an entirely false assumption. I believe that the more we try to stuff something down, the more we struggle not to look at it, the more it manifests itself in our lives. I believe that my anorexia was 100% my coping mechanism for avoiding thoughts and feelings that I deemed UN-desirable. And thus my stuffing down, totally dictated my choices and behaviours. So instead of putting me in a place of complete control, which was the intended goal, it put me in a place of utter lack of control. I was a slave to my compulsions, because they were the only thing that were keeping me safe from the feelings! So in coming back to the hallucinations, my friend hallucinated about what he was really feeling deep down, and all his fear and insecurities came to the surface. He felt afraid and lonely, but had no real concrete reason as to why. The hallucination brought them up, but in the form of a metaphor, which really served only to cause greater confusion, and a surfacing of the undesired feelings, without any instruction on how to deal with them effectively. I believe that the same thing happens to us when we meditate. Meditation brings us to a place of calm. When we calm our nervous system, our subconscious has a chance to be heard. However, when we are not in a conscious altering state, most of the time our feelings will come up and out as they really are. And when you are meditating and connecting with your deepest self, you will also be connected to the peaceful part of you that knows how to handle the negative feelings. I believe that we all have the divine within us, and I believe that we are all being lead and guided towards are most wonderful life by this divine. I think that our fears and 'real life' just scream to loud for most of us to hear that inner wisdom. Effectively, we are all being controlled, in one way or another, by our UN-dealt with emotions. We all act out in a way to avoid pain, and in this we are not totally free. I believe that by calming ourselves and not being afraid to face the things we have tucked away in our minds, we will see new life. We will become aware of why we do the things that we do compulsively. We will become aware of how we really feel about the people and situations in our lives. And we will connect with the divine, and we will move forward. The only way out of a problem is to deal with it. Avoidance will cause its own problems. I think eating disorders are all caused by to many feelings and emotions being not acknowledged. This causes a chain reaction of self mutilation and deprivation, leading to compulsion to starve or throw up, or binge, as a way of not feeling. We need to feel what we feel. We need to deal with what we feel. I have found that I need to trust that I am safe, that I am cared for, and that I can handle all the things in my life. I know that it is all going to be OK. But I only know this because I connect with the divine peace within me. We are all capeable. If you are haveing truble with coplulsitory behaviour, mediate, or if it is to scary to do it alone, talk with someone. Express yourself in a place where you feel safe. I am open to anyone who wants to e-mail me or post here. You do not have to do this alone, and dealing with your inner thoughts and fears will bring you freedom, I garuntee it. Don't stuff yourself down. Let you be, and you will be free. Mediation is so much better than hallucinatory drugs.