Funny connection.

I have a feeling that my brain really does function in a way that is plausibly UN-interpretable by the more normal masses, but this is just something that you, my lovely readers, will just have to cope with. I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and he was telling my about his recent experience with an over-the-counter legal hallucinogenic drug. The effects of the drug are a 1-5 minute hallucination followed by a few hours of feeling 'high'. He was telling me that when you hallucinate under the influence of this drug, you can remember what you saw after the fact. I was interested in this. I wondered if the hallucination experience was just another way of the subconscious exerting itself, as is the case with dreaming. When your nervous system is relaxed (IE. during sleep, under the influence of drugs) the subconscious inevitably comes into focus, and into the forefront. My friends hallucination did, once analyzed and deciphered, coincide with feelings that he admittedly, was trying not to feel. And we all have these types of feelings. Things we have gone through that we are not ready to deal with. We stuff down our fears, angers, anxieties, desires, but what we do not realize is that in doing so, they still effect us. We would like to think that when we put them on the back shelf of our conscience, that they are no longer active. I have learned however, that this is an entirely false assumption. I believe that the more we try to stuff something down, the more we struggle not to look at it, the more it manifests itself in our lives. I believe that my anorexia was 100% my coping mechanism for avoiding thoughts and feelings that I deemed UN-desirable. And thus my stuffing down, totally dictated my choices and behaviours. So instead of putting me in a place of complete control, which was the intended goal, it put me in a place of utter lack of control. I was a slave to my compulsions, because they were the only thing that were keeping me safe from the feelings! So in coming back to the hallucinations, my friend hallucinated about what he was really feeling deep down, and all his fear and insecurities came to the surface. He felt afraid and lonely, but had no real concrete reason as to why. The hallucination brought them up, but in the form of a metaphor, which really served only to cause greater confusion, and a surfacing of the undesired feelings, without any instruction on how to deal with them effectively. I believe that the same thing happens to us when we meditate. Meditation brings us to a place of calm. When we calm our nervous system, our subconscious has a chance to be heard. However, when we are not in a conscious altering state, most of the time our feelings will come up and out as they really are. And when you are meditating and connecting with your deepest self, you will also be connected to the peaceful part of you that knows how to handle the negative feelings. I believe that we all have the divine within us, and I believe that we are all being lead and guided towards are most wonderful life by this divine. I think that our fears and 'real life' just scream to loud for most of us to hear that inner wisdom. Effectively, we are all being controlled, in one way or another, by our UN-dealt with emotions. We all act out in a way to avoid pain, and in this we are not totally free. I believe that by calming ourselves and not being afraid to face the things we have tucked away in our minds, we will see new life. We will become aware of why we do the things that we do compulsively. We will become aware of how we really feel about the people and situations in our lives. And we will connect with the divine, and we will move forward. The only way out of a problem is to deal with it. Avoidance will cause its own problems. I think eating disorders are all caused by to many feelings and emotions being not acknowledged. This causes a chain reaction of self mutilation and deprivation, leading to compulsion to starve or throw up, or binge, as a way of not feeling. We need to feel what we feel. We need to deal with what we feel. I have found that I need to trust that I am safe, that I am cared for, and that I can handle all the things in my life. I know that it is all going to be OK. But I only know this because I connect with the divine peace within me. We are all capeable. If you are haveing truble with coplulsitory behaviour, mediate, or if it is to scary to do it alone, talk with someone. Express yourself in a place where you feel safe. I am open to anyone who wants to e-mail me or post here. You do not have to do this alone, and dealing with your inner thoughts and fears will bring you freedom, I garuntee it. Don't stuff yourself down. Let you be, and you will be free. Mediation is so much better than hallucinatory drugs.

Mums advice

My mom is definitely one of the most inspiring people that I know. Now of course, I am not going to go into airing any of her 'dirty laundry' so to speak, she can tell her story if she wants too. But I will tell you that she is the strongest most supportive person on the face of the planet. When I was at my sickest, she didn't let me go. She did all that she could, and then a little bit more, to fight the thing inside of me that was causing my slow death. My mother literally saved my life. She is also the type of person who walks her talk, and she has done so much work on herself, and been the catalyst for so much of her own self growth. She does not just sit back and let what has happened to her completely affect her way of life in the presant. She is brave and she tackles all of her own issues. Her courage to face her demons gave me the courage to face mine. And as I have been reflecting on how goddess like my mother is, I have thought of several bits of wisdom she has given me. And I want to share them with you. 1. She taught me how important it is to just sit with your agitation/stress/anxiety. She told me to just take it in my mind, find a quiet space and don't try to fix it, just sit with it. This always works to bring a level of peace, even if it does not help you to eradicate the source completely. 2. Journal your feelings, just getting them out of your head and onto paper will immediate bring them into a perspective that is close to reality. Talking about them is the next step 3. face your fear. The greatest gifts are always hidden behind the most fear. Fear should never be the reason you do not pursue a dream. 4. Focus on the life you want, do not dwell on the things that make the one you have now not what you want. My mom told me once, when I was freaking out about my weight, that even if I stayed at the horrifically high (in my opinion at the time) weight, I could still fully live my dream. My weight has no effect on how I live my dreams, unless I give it the power. Shifting my focus from the one thing that I couldn't really change at the time (my weight) to my goals in life, and how I was going to go about achieving them, put everything into perspective. My body is going to do what it is going to do. I will of course eat well, work out and do my best to take care of it, but I cannot control what it does. I can control how many of my dreams I shoot for, and how full of passion my life is. I can focus on getting to know myself deeply and fully, and expressing that with all I have. This is what is important. She taught me to pursue the life of my dreams, not the weight of my dreams. To expand my focus, and not give my fears of weight so much influence. I am free to live my life at any weight, only I hold me back! This is what I have learned from my mother, the saint. I hope this can help you too. Also, please post comments! I still really want this to be a discussion board. Your going to get bored with me eventually!

Possitivity really DOES help.

I have been feeling an emotional down turn recently, and it has sparked a few eating disordered thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have been struggling with the overwhelming fear of gaining weight again. This time though, I have been given a tool that has actually helped, even in the middle of my panic/self hatred thought cycle. I stop myself, and I think if the opposite statement to the negative one that I am repeating to myself. If I am thinking "I am so fat" I make myself think "My body is healthy and beautiful." Even if I do not believe the statement to be true, I am training my brain to think positive things about myself, instead of thinking negative things about myself all the time. Most of my thoughts are negative, and self defeating. I believe that my eating disorder behavior has a lot to do with just trying to distract myself from the pain of feeling so horribly about myself. This makes life livable for me, because it gives me a focus, a focus that isn't so painful. So, I am starting to counter my negativity towards myself with positivity. Every night I write down in my journal as many affirmations about my self as I can think of, and I tell myself positive things when I feel badly, and this works. I am committing myself to operating like this, until the positive thoughts are the natural ones, and the negative take a back seat. I am also choosing over and over again each day to believe and have faith, that I am in the right place at the right time. I am not meant to be striving. This takes off a million pounds. I have to believe that God is leading and guiding me, that I have not missed some critical detail, that I am where he has meant for me to be at any given time.

Also, I have started a forum on gone raw.com called "E.D take-down support group", and I have let them know about this blog, just in case being totaly open and honest is to hard on such a huge site. It may be easier to come for help in a concentrated population of supporters for this specific issue. So, I hope to see a lot more people reaching out here!

Voice yelling for no apparent reason.

I have been nutritionally adopted my a wonderful organization. It is called U weight loss. This is one hundred percent ironic. I am a recovering anorexic who is still on the border line of underweight. I went in to get a free detox and cleanse kit, which I thought would help my digestion. What I got was a whole eating plan, six months worth of a multi-vitamin supplement and weekly counseling. Oh, and the detox kit. I have increase my calories in a healthy way, that has not really caused any significant weight gain in almost one whole month, which is a revelation for my body, which is capable of gaining ten pounds overnight when the neighbours are cooking Cinnamon buns. This has been wonderful, a break from having to figure out my eating alone. I have basically been told exactly what to do to get healthy. Wonderful. Truly. But the voice of anorexic death has been screaming at me as of late. I can't feel normal. I am starting to feel as occupied with my thoughts of wanting-yearling-to loose weight as I did in the middle of my worst time of struggle, which took place over a year ago. I am busy, my life is beginning to be filled with wonderful and fulfilling things. I am pursuing my dream of being a ballet dancer, and I am a nanny to a very demanding four year old. As well, I am taking care of a house hold, and being an over Bering older sister. The thoughts are pretty much there the whole time I am conscious. I think I would just like to loose ten pounds. Just off my stomach, and butt. I want to be toned and fit and THIN. I want to look like a ballerina. Long, lean and housing only the bare minimum of body fat. What is frustrating about this whole thing, is how much it really does not matter. Those ten pounds have absolutely no effect on my life, at all. But the thoughts of them wreak havoc. So it is not even the actually thing, just the thought of the thing, the fear and hatred of the thing, that makes my days allot less pleasurable. Why does this happen? Why does my Psyche want to do this? Why can't I just be happy and satisfied with were I am in life, and let the SO SMALL thing of my weight just of, or at least be an after thought? I don't have the answer for this. I maybe have a desire for drama. Maybe I have not progressed to a point of wanting to just be happy, and not full of the interest that drama and turmoil produces. Am I creating this in my mind? Could I choose to stop? If I really really wanted to stop thinking like this, could I? Do I really want to? Then what would occupy my need for self improvement? My need for control? Could I have a need for the negative? Or is it all just a distraction, that is just there to make me less ecstatic about the wonders that are taking place in my life? I do feel maybe I could just choose to stop. But do I really really want to give this up? It is comfortable and it is what I know. It is my habit and m security blanket of consistency. Am I brave enough to walk away from this nous of safety? Am I brave enough to just be happy? To have a quiet mind? To maybe be bored at times because there is the lack of constant thought, fear and stress? When I look at it this way, I think I am. I believe that I am strong enough to walk away from this. It is selfish and useless. So it is time. I am going to walk away from this. I am going to make more room in my life for important things. This silly fear has taken up enough of my life, and enough of my ability to help others and reach out. It is time for me to stop being spoiled and in my pursuit of comfort. I am ready to move on. I have all that I need, I lack nothing. I can walk away from this, I have Jesus and that I more than what I need. What do you think?

Does everyone have a Tyler Perry inside?

My emotional state today, is crowding out all other sensations. It is actually rather typical of me, to be feeling this particular brand of intense confusion. I woke up this morning feeling slightly off, that is really the best way I know how to describe the sensation. There are things I am very happy about, and things I am rather upset about. I have a few neutral things going around my mind. Physical, this manifest is itself as a slight pressure in my head, and a scatter brained attitude for the day. I have a strong desire to numb out. I think the reason that I want to make all the feelings stop, is because I am very uncomfortable with duality. I don't like that I am not experiencing one clear cut emotion at a time. I hate that I am a mixture. I think I don't really appreciate the fact that life is a mixture. The reason that I have become savvy to what is going on in my emotional self today, is because I do not let myself eat before noon. If this were any other day, I would be in the kitchen right now, focusing intensely on the food before me. Tasting, mixing, blending, tasting, adding, on and on it would go. I would be in there for as long as my schedule would allow, and then I would be off to be distracted by a dance class or a job. I would then come home, eat my dinner and lie in bed for hours, wondering why I feel so weird. But today, I got up to early, and had a whole hour of time not filled with anything, except for my screaming emotional state. I realize that life would get boring, if it were all good all the time. And I know that I would not learn anything in that state either. Which is why I think this state of being I am currently inhabiting is teaching me something. It is hard; so it must be for a purpose. I have taken a few ganders at what I think that purpose might be, and the most likely is quite simple. I think I am being taught to live with the tension. Life is never going to be just perfect. There is always going to be the thorn in the side. True happiness must come from being able to be where it is not perfect, and choose to focus on positive. And maybe even make steps in a positive direction concerning the things that aren't so good. Numbing out is at some points in our life, the thing that we have to do to maintain our sanity. But sometime, it is just a coping mechanism that prevents us from moving forward. It is up to us to decider which moments are which I suppose. Today was a moment for me to come to terms with a few things, and in so doing, I have actually helped dissolve a bit of my tension. I also am feeling an overwhelming sense of fatness. I feel like a blimp. I don't entirely know where this comes from or why. But it clouds everything else out. It becomes my days thought. And I don't know why it is so all consuming. Most people can say, "oh, I have put on a few pounds, I'll just skip dessert tonight." Where I, will think, "I think I have gained weight, why have a gained weight? What is going on with my body? What should I do? Have I really gained weight? Blah blah blah. This is the most frustrating aspect of my Psyche. I don't really know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a nap. What ever the case, it seems that when big changes in my life happen, I don't really react to them, I turn it in and start a mental war that is completely UN-related. This is why I feel fat. It is easier to feel fat, then it is to really figure out and deal with how I am feeling about everything else. But this is precisely what I need to do. And that is what I will do. It is just hard to catch myself in the middle of my body hatred, and realize that its not whats really bothering me. Why do I have to be so confusing, even to myself? My emotions translate physicaly, and send me on a wild goose chase trying to figure out what is actually wrong. Sitting and listening was impossible for me today, tomorrow I will try again.

What is up with our guilt complex?

When I was a baby, my mom tells me that I was one of those rather annoying kids, who would always eat just enough to feel not hungry any more, but then need to re-fuel again in about an hour or two. (You can imagine the amount of 'wear and tear' this little habit of mine subjected to my...mother.) Then, when I became a teenager, I somehow fell into a pattern, like so many others, of starving my self in the day time, and then gorging myself at night. I vividly remember eating, with a fork, standing up at the counter, a 1/4 of a loaf of date banana bread, and promptly running to my room and crying over my lack of self control. I really hated the fact that I wanted to eat. That I needed to eat. So it became for me a cycle of denial followed by over indulgence when my vice grip was loosened by my human biology. I can honesty say, that I still have those same feelings towards myself and eating. I often times wish that I just did not have to bother with eating at all. It is to complicated. On the one hand, I love to cook. I love to be in the kitchen and create things that my family and friends will tell me are "SOOO GOOD!" Admittedly, a part of that may just be my ego, looking for a stroke, and finding that cooking is one of the simple ways to get it. When I eat, I rarely really love what I am eating. I appreciate the concept of good food, but unlike a true foodie, I don't really LOVE anything. I often pick and the foods I have made, and I don't really taste them when I do. I feel like I am going through the motions of eating without being engaged in them at all. Which is why I can go a whole day with out eating, or eat forty five 'picks' of a raw cake I made, and then feel so bloated, but not really feeling when I was getting close to that bloat so I could stop myself. I do find that I go into a strange trance like state when I eat. I know the foods that bother my stomach (most of them) and I know that ones that don't. Yet I constantly go back to those items that hurt me, don't really pay any attention to them as I eat them, and then suffer the consequences. I find being on the raw diet does help, but the same cycle is still in effect. I want to be "good," so I Will deprive myself of anything that is not a fruit or a vegetable, or otherwise deemed "pure" to me, and then I will cook as an excuse to eat the sweet dates, and nuts and seeds, and coconut, with out having to actually sit down and eat them. It is my way of cheating. Who am I cheating? I don't know. There is no one out there who is going to come up to me at the end of my life, or before for that matter, and say "You ate things that hurt your stomach, and you ate things that you liked because you like them, even though they don't make you feel well. You are a failure at life. You have failed your mother, father and all your ancestors before. Hang thy head in shame!" Of course that sounds ridiculous, but it is in a strange sub conscious way, the way that I treat eating and food. So to try and avoid my self inflicted guilt that eating triggers in me, I numb out. I go blank. I eat without tasting or chewing or savouring. I just shovel it in. I am beginning to think that this cycle is one humbred and fifty percent self perpetuated by that one little, teensy, weensy feeling of guilt. And to be fair, it is a self created guilt. I made up the rules that I have a hard time following. I tell myself that I eat the way that I do to avoid getting fat. Which is true to a point. I think the bigger reason that I do it, it because it adds a certain stability to my life. If I am consistently coming up short of my eating goals, it makes it so I have something to worry about and focus on and improve tomorrow. I can't control what is going to happen to me out in the world. I don't know what the expectations of all the people around me are. There is no certainty there, and so I have reached into my own mind, and set up a game. This game keeps me winning and loosing, but always knowing. Things have happened to me, and to all of us, that I did not see coming, and can not explain. Those things I have let drive me to a state of fear, enough that I want to be in control of my personal state at all times. So, I focus on food, my little area of control. I make myself feel guilty for having a survival instinct, and then I do my best to be better tomorrow. I believe that most of us have issues with food, that have nothing to do with food, and everything to do with almost everything else. And we have just transplanted our not knowing how to deal with those things, and put them into our thoughts and feelings about food. Because we can touch food, manipulate food, resist or give in, make rules or break rules. Its our one play ground of control. I need to learn to listen to what the voice inside of me is really saying when I just have to pick at the desserts, or when I feel so 'naughty' for eating. I don't know if any one can relate to this, but if so, I would love to hear from you!



On another note, I think this raw bread is quite nice.



Raw bread



1 cup sunflower seeds

1 cup pumpkin seeds

1 cup flax seeds

2 large carrots

1 lemon

2 tbsp caraway seeds

1 tsp salt.



Blend the seeds into a powder. Then blend the carrots with the lemon. Stir together. Add the salt and caraway seeds. Spread thick on a drying sheet, and dehydrate for forty eight hours, at around 105 degrees. Yum.

Lets get the conversation started people.

This is kinda a catchy title for a blog, is it not? Since it is true. We all DO have to eat. Eating can be one of life's greatest pleasures, it can also be one of life's shittiest experiences. It can be morphed into something that we all dread for quite a few reasons. Bad tasting food, boring food, food poisoning, bad eating associations, traumatic experiences, eating disorders, confusion. How can something so vital for our survival, be rendered so complicated? I know that there are many people out there who do not have a "normal" relationship with food. And I also know that I am one of those people. I am a raw foodist, and I am a post recovery anorexic. I am also a certified Holistic Nutritionist and a caterer and personal chef. If you come to my house, you will be greeted with an assortment of raw delicacies, from desserts to crackers and dips. I cook all the time. I will nibble on what I am making, and sit down to two to three meals a day, but I still have a very difficult time actually consuming an average amount of energy. So in short, I am definitely one of the aforementioned people who does not co exist with food in any kind of real harmony. I have veered off in this direction with my blog for a couple of reasons. 1. I want a place to share some of my recipes, since I have about a million of them, and I would like to know what people think. Or if they live in Edmonton, would like a chance to cook for some people. 2. I think it is important to write about things that are important to us, and things that we know. If there is anything that is important to me, it is food, the psychology of it and our relationship with it. 3. I want to know what other thoughts, ideas and experiences are out there. I want to create and open and honest place for people to come and really tell the truth about what is going on in their lives. I am not a therapist, but I do know that just telling the whole truth every once in a while can be amazingly therapeutic, and not all of us can afford a counselor. So there. I want to tell you how I feel and what I have gone through, and I want you to tell me how your feel and what you have gone through. This whole business of food and body distortion is huge. We are all a part of it because we are all occupying a body. And a brain. So, lets all be real and stop pretending that we are not effected by this mess. Lets talk, heal, and eat! If you want to post here, thats great, and you can talk to just me at coolywash@hotmail.com.



Here is what I made for my sisters dinner today.



"Non-Re fried Seeds"



1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

1 avocado

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp garlic powder (could use whole clove if not lazy)

2 tsp coriander powder

1 tsp salt

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

1/2 cup water (more or less, just to get the blender to actually blend)

1/4 cup spring onions chopped



Blend your seeds to a powder first. Then add the spices, avocado, apple cider vinegar and enough water to make it move. You could also do this in a food processor, it would just be slightly chunky. Stir in spring onions at the end, or serve on top like a garnish.



"Pretty in pink crackers"

1/2 cup flax seeds

1/2 cup sunflower seeds

1/2 cup pumpkin seeds

2 carrots-chopped

1 beet-chopped

1 lemon

1 tsp salt.

water to move



Blend seeds to a powder, blend carrot, beet and lemon with enough water to make it move. Combine all and spread onto dehydrator sheets, dry over night, flipping in the morning. Should be ready by dinner time. Good with salad and "Non-re fried seeds."

There will be pictures soon. But talk people, talk!