Ahimsa

Hello all. I just wanted to type a short post, based on somthing I have been thinking of as of late. Ahisma means non-harming. Our society is built around pushing. Pushing others to do what we want them to do, pushing out minds to learn, pushing ourselves to work harder. We are in a world that is focused on harm. When I think about it, all this pushing that we do, really does cause harm. We are not taght to be in touch with others feelings, with others thoughts, with our thoughts, and our feelings. We are very much rewarded for pushing ourselves, for working over time, for running that extra mile, for avoiding that second piece of dessert. I believe that this is somthing that we need to counter act in ourselves. If we want to live a happy and balanced life, we need to take this concepts of non-harming into our focus. We need to look at all that is, and we need to make peace with it. There is balance between moving forward, and loving what is. This is non-harm. We need to look at our goals, and figure out, are they a souce of harm, to me or anyone else? And if so, why? Is there a way to accomplish a goal that does not cause harm? Or should we maybe be looking at our goal, and doing some re-organizing? I want to end with this quote, that I think is a beautiful picture of self love, non-harm.
The rose; "When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it for being footless and stemless. We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process that's taking place and give the plant and care it needs at each stage of its delevopment. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its full potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change, yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right, perfectly okay, just as it is."-W.Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game Of Tennis

Just somthing I would like to share

I am starting a yoga teacher training program, and I have been doing some reading in the yoga texts. My perspective of the body, from something that needs to be punished and shaped and subdued, into something that is divine and holy, has really changed how I feel. I have noticed that I am far less angry with myself, when I remember how hard my body works, in order to keep me alive. It works to extract energy from food. It is intelligent, and it compensates for my less that optimal choices. It is the ultimate optimist, in that it takes whatever I give it, weather it is great, or crap, and uses it to do its job. In "Light On Yoga" it says, "The Yogi realises that his life and its activities are part of the divine action in nature, manifesting and operating in the form of man. In the beating of his pulse, and the rhythm of this respiration, he recognises the flow of the seasons and the throbbing of universal life. His body is a temple which houses the Divine spark. He feels that to neglect or to deny the needs of the body and to think of is as something not divine, is to neglect and deny the universal life of which it is a part. The needs of the body are the needs of the Divine Spirit which lives through the body. the yogi does not look heaven-ward to find God for he know that He is within, being known as the (inner self) He feels the kingdom of God within and without and finds heaven lies in himself. Where does the body end and the mind begin? Where does the mind end and spirit begin? They cannot be divided as they are inter-related and but different aspects of the same all-pervading divine consciousness. The yogi never neglects or mortifies the body or the mind, but cherishes both. To him the body is not an impediment to his spiritual liberation nor is it the cause of its fall, but is an instrument of attainment. He seeks a body strong as a thunderbolt, healthy and free from suffering, to dedicate in the service of the Lord for which it is intended. As pointed ou in Mindakopasisad the Self cannot be attained by one without strength, nor through heedlessness, nor without an aim. Just as an unbaked earthen pot dissolves in water the body soon decays. So bake it hard in the fire of yogic discipline in order to strengthen a purify it. We must love our bodies, as they are a part of us, and we are divine.

What makes you cry? Do that!

Hello awesome readers. You may be few and far between, but I still love you very very much. I have been doing some dungeon digging as of late, dissolving my fearful thoughts and what not, and I have come to a few important conclusions I wish to share with you. Just in case you are un-familiar with Martha Beck-isms, here is a short break down (wikka wikka wok!). Her theory is that we create little "dungeons" for ourselves, in our minds, by believing painful thoughts that are not true. Most of these pesky little buggers come in the form of "I can't" phrases, or "I have to" phrases, or the oh so popular "yeah buuuuuuut." By believing that we are trapped by something, we create that trappings and it becomes our reality. Her way of getting outta there is to "Dissolve" your thoughts and then replace them with new freeing ones. So, you may have a dungeon thought like " Even though I would much rather practice playing my tuba, I HAVE to mow the lawn for Francis, otherwise he will HATE me, FOREVER!" In order to dissolve this trapping thought, you have to dissolve it, by re-examining what is true. You do not HAVE to do anything, you are totally in control of your life, and you can choose to do whatever you want. You do not know what Francis reaction to your lawn neglect will be, but you can trust that you are completely capable of handling which ever form the reaction comes in. So there, you are now in a total position of power, to make a choice and be free. In my personal head, I have come to realize that a good 98.75% of my thoughts were crazy dungeon ones. Most of them center around my NEVER amounting to anything, and how much of a FAILURE I am. But when I look at these oh so scary thoughts, I realize, they are just thoughts. And they are just fears. They are not actually happening. I am still rolling along in life, I am writing and taking class, and nannying and shopping and working out blah blah blah. Also, I have no idea where any of what I am doing is going to lead me. I have no idea. It would not generally be a calming idea to not know where one is going, but for me right now, it is. It takes me out of the drivers seat. It puts me in a position of faith, that everything in my life has a purpose and is all going to work together some how. But it is not my responsibility to make that happen. Life will do that for me. God's got it. HORRAY! But I do not believe that leaves me completely off the hook, to just take long baths and paint my nails. I still have some work to do. I believe where my blood sweat and tears come into play, is in the discovering my deep inner self, and letting her out. I have had a solid 15 years of being told that my intuition is wrong. Of being told that what I feel and what I think and what I do is fundamentally incorrect on some level or another. I really have questioned my sanity on many, many occasions. But now I am learning. I am learning that my judgement is generally right on the money. I am learning that I do have some spiritual gifting that put me at odds with people who just want everything to look nice and pretty. I have learned that I do have a bit of a confronting personality, and people don't really like that. But it is OK. I am who I am. I am allowed to be who I am. I am not bad! In fact, I am good! And this leads me to my point. If I am good, that would mean that the way I naturally am, is good. (Yes, I know, slightly redundant, and no I was not trying to undermine your intelligence, give me a minute.) And if the way I naturally am is good, than the things I naturally gravitate towards, are also, yes, you guessed it, good! The only problem with that is, I have lost touch with a good chunk of my natural self through years of believing it was bad and wrong, and needed to be stifled. So, now as I dungeon dig and thought dissolve, I am getting closer and closer to the real me that lives somewhere in my stomach(visualization is key, people.) And as I un-earth her, I am learning all these things that I knew as a child, but just forgot for a little bit. I am learning that to be self conscious is a learned behaviour given to me by social conditioning, but the real me doesn't care so much what people think if her, as long as she is living out her truth. I am learning that we are all different and think different and look different but we can all be right at the same time. I am learning that I love to perform and to communicate with an audience. All my fears about what people think about me were just that- silly learned fear thoughts. They are not true. Getting all the junk out of the way is a considerable task at times, but it is worth it. The reason it is worth it is because it will yield to you your Core, and your Core knows exactly why you are here. I believe that we all have a destiny, and the things that happen to us in our lives are all lessons set up to get us to where we are going. And when you are connected to your Core, I believe you are guided by what you love, and what you love is guiding you to your destiny. I read on another blog that the way to discover your destiny is to write down at the top of a sheet of paper, "what is my destiny?" And then to just write and write answers that come to your mind, until you get to the one that makes you cry. And that folks is your answer. This has happened to me on many occasions when I engage in the thing I think is my destiny. I will be walking along, and then BAM-crying. This confused me in the past, when I was so disconnected from myself I didn't even feel the tears coming. But now I know. And I believe that we all know. We just need to dig ourselves out of our little thought dungeons and give our Cores the chance to cry. And then we can do what we are here to do. And that is when all other little problems seem small.

NEW NEWS!

OK everyone, I have created the e.d take down web site! Come and chat and get support. Tell your story, and get advice. Also, I am a certified holistic nutritionist, so if any one would like some help with their eating, contact me on my new website, OK? Love you all.

www.edtakedown.ning.com.

Funny connection.

I have a feeling that my brain really does function in a way that is plausibly UN-interpretable by the more normal masses, but this is just something that you, my lovely readers, will just have to cope with. I was having coffee with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and he was telling my about his recent experience with an over-the-counter legal hallucinogenic drug. The effects of the drug are a 1-5 minute hallucination followed by a few hours of feeling 'high'. He was telling me that when you hallucinate under the influence of this drug, you can remember what you saw after the fact. I was interested in this. I wondered if the hallucination experience was just another way of the subconscious exerting itself, as is the case with dreaming. When your nervous system is relaxed (IE. during sleep, under the influence of drugs) the subconscious inevitably comes into focus, and into the forefront. My friends hallucination did, once analyzed and deciphered, coincide with feelings that he admittedly, was trying not to feel. And we all have these types of feelings. Things we have gone through that we are not ready to deal with. We stuff down our fears, angers, anxieties, desires, but what we do not realize is that in doing so, they still effect us. We would like to think that when we put them on the back shelf of our conscience, that they are no longer active. I have learned however, that this is an entirely false assumption. I believe that the more we try to stuff something down, the more we struggle not to look at it, the more it manifests itself in our lives. I believe that my anorexia was 100% my coping mechanism for avoiding thoughts and feelings that I deemed UN-desirable. And thus my stuffing down, totally dictated my choices and behaviours. So instead of putting me in a place of complete control, which was the intended goal, it put me in a place of utter lack of control. I was a slave to my compulsions, because they were the only thing that were keeping me safe from the feelings! So in coming back to the hallucinations, my friend hallucinated about what he was really feeling deep down, and all his fear and insecurities came to the surface. He felt afraid and lonely, but had no real concrete reason as to why. The hallucination brought them up, but in the form of a metaphor, which really served only to cause greater confusion, and a surfacing of the undesired feelings, without any instruction on how to deal with them effectively. I believe that the same thing happens to us when we meditate. Meditation brings us to a place of calm. When we calm our nervous system, our subconscious has a chance to be heard. However, when we are not in a conscious altering state, most of the time our feelings will come up and out as they really are. And when you are meditating and connecting with your deepest self, you will also be connected to the peaceful part of you that knows how to handle the negative feelings. I believe that we all have the divine within us, and I believe that we are all being lead and guided towards are most wonderful life by this divine. I think that our fears and 'real life' just scream to loud for most of us to hear that inner wisdom. Effectively, we are all being controlled, in one way or another, by our UN-dealt with emotions. We all act out in a way to avoid pain, and in this we are not totally free. I believe that by calming ourselves and not being afraid to face the things we have tucked away in our minds, we will see new life. We will become aware of why we do the things that we do compulsively. We will become aware of how we really feel about the people and situations in our lives. And we will connect with the divine, and we will move forward. The only way out of a problem is to deal with it. Avoidance will cause its own problems. I think eating disorders are all caused by to many feelings and emotions being not acknowledged. This causes a chain reaction of self mutilation and deprivation, leading to compulsion to starve or throw up, or binge, as a way of not feeling. We need to feel what we feel. We need to deal with what we feel. I have found that I need to trust that I am safe, that I am cared for, and that I can handle all the things in my life. I know that it is all going to be OK. But I only know this because I connect with the divine peace within me. We are all capeable. If you are haveing truble with coplulsitory behaviour, mediate, or if it is to scary to do it alone, talk with someone. Express yourself in a place where you feel safe. I am open to anyone who wants to e-mail me or post here. You do not have to do this alone, and dealing with your inner thoughts and fears will bring you freedom, I garuntee it. Don't stuff yourself down. Let you be, and you will be free. Mediation is so much better than hallucinatory drugs.

Mums advice

My mom is definitely one of the most inspiring people that I know. Now of course, I am not going to go into airing any of her 'dirty laundry' so to speak, she can tell her story if she wants too. But I will tell you that she is the strongest most supportive person on the face of the planet. When I was at my sickest, she didn't let me go. She did all that she could, and then a little bit more, to fight the thing inside of me that was causing my slow death. My mother literally saved my life. She is also the type of person who walks her talk, and she has done so much work on herself, and been the catalyst for so much of her own self growth. She does not just sit back and let what has happened to her completely affect her way of life in the presant. She is brave and she tackles all of her own issues. Her courage to face her demons gave me the courage to face mine. And as I have been reflecting on how goddess like my mother is, I have thought of several bits of wisdom she has given me. And I want to share them with you. 1. She taught me how important it is to just sit with your agitation/stress/anxiety. She told me to just take it in my mind, find a quiet space and don't try to fix it, just sit with it. This always works to bring a level of peace, even if it does not help you to eradicate the source completely. 2. Journal your feelings, just getting them out of your head and onto paper will immediate bring them into a perspective that is close to reality. Talking about them is the next step 3. face your fear. The greatest gifts are always hidden behind the most fear. Fear should never be the reason you do not pursue a dream. 4. Focus on the life you want, do not dwell on the things that make the one you have now not what you want. My mom told me once, when I was freaking out about my weight, that even if I stayed at the horrifically high (in my opinion at the time) weight, I could still fully live my dream. My weight has no effect on how I live my dreams, unless I give it the power. Shifting my focus from the one thing that I couldn't really change at the time (my weight) to my goals in life, and how I was going to go about achieving them, put everything into perspective. My body is going to do what it is going to do. I will of course eat well, work out and do my best to take care of it, but I cannot control what it does. I can control how many of my dreams I shoot for, and how full of passion my life is. I can focus on getting to know myself deeply and fully, and expressing that with all I have. This is what is important. She taught me to pursue the life of my dreams, not the weight of my dreams. To expand my focus, and not give my fears of weight so much influence. I am free to live my life at any weight, only I hold me back! This is what I have learned from my mother, the saint. I hope this can help you too. Also, please post comments! I still really want this to be a discussion board. Your going to get bored with me eventually!

Possitivity really DOES help.

I have been feeling an emotional down turn recently, and it has sparked a few eating disordered thoughts, feelings and reactions. I have been struggling with the overwhelming fear of gaining weight again. This time though, I have been given a tool that has actually helped, even in the middle of my panic/self hatred thought cycle. I stop myself, and I think if the opposite statement to the negative one that I am repeating to myself. If I am thinking "I am so fat" I make myself think "My body is healthy and beautiful." Even if I do not believe the statement to be true, I am training my brain to think positive things about myself, instead of thinking negative things about myself all the time. Most of my thoughts are negative, and self defeating. I believe that my eating disorder behavior has a lot to do with just trying to distract myself from the pain of feeling so horribly about myself. This makes life livable for me, because it gives me a focus, a focus that isn't so painful. So, I am starting to counter my negativity towards myself with positivity. Every night I write down in my journal as many affirmations about my self as I can think of, and I tell myself positive things when I feel badly, and this works. I am committing myself to operating like this, until the positive thoughts are the natural ones, and the negative take a back seat. I am also choosing over and over again each day to believe and have faith, that I am in the right place at the right time. I am not meant to be striving. This takes off a million pounds. I have to believe that God is leading and guiding me, that I have not missed some critical detail, that I am where he has meant for me to be at any given time.

Also, I have started a forum on gone raw.com called "E.D take-down support group", and I have let them know about this blog, just in case being totaly open and honest is to hard on such a huge site. It may be easier to come for help in a concentrated population of supporters for this specific issue. So, I hope to see a lot more people reaching out here!